Anonymous asked this question on 4/22/2000:
After living in a transitional housing program for abused women for a year, I've learned a lot about domestic violence and abuse, and how to avoid relationships that may lead to it. My problem, though, is that I am still being emotionally abused by my estranged husband, the father of my two sons, 4 and 7. This most recent round of emotional abuse is the result of my speaking, on and off camera, at a victim's rights march and vigil. As a representative client of an agency for abused women, I volunteered to speak about emotional abuse, its life-shattering effects, and how this organization has helped, and still is helping me put the pieces of my life back together again.
As the result of emotional abuse all of my life, from first my father, and then both my father and my husband, I am frequently debilitated by severe depression. I tried to kill myself once, (OD) two years ago, and would have been successful if my son hadn't come in the room as I was getting very sleepy and said, "You're the best mommy any kid could ever have." I called for my mother who then called 911.
I've had a great deal of difficulty maintaining a job on account of my depression, despite my generally being bright, witty, educated, quick to learn, and very eager to do the best job possible for my employers. It's just that no one wants an employee who is able to work only when she is physically and emotionally well enough to work (I have severe asthma, allergies, and sinus problems now requiring their third surgery).
My estranged husband's latest method of emotional abuse is that he is withholding my spousal and child support. He's doing this because he knows I am currently out of work. (I recently got out of the hospital for my asthma, and have to schedule my surgery, plus I've been about as depressed as I've ever been). I am in therapy, and do see a pyschiatrist for medications for my depression. Domestic Relations can't do anything about it yet, as he's only 3 weeks behind in payments. Meanwhile, I've been to food pantries for canned goods and govt. surplus, and have even gone "dumpster diving" in order to get milk and other dairy products. (A local grocery disposes of perfectly good food, in the dumpster -- not to food banks, just because the NEXT day will be the last day it can be sold). I feel like I've sunk to the lowest a person can go. Meanwhile, I can't pay my rent, my utilities, and my car insurance may be cancelled if I don't have enough money in the bank to cover the next electronic withdrawal. (My husband made very good money and my weekly support is sizeable, yet it is nowhere near enough to live on, even though my apartment is a dive (but in his upper-class school district -- so I can maintain my 50/50 custody, another result of his emotional abuse -- he doesn't want the kids!), I drive an old car in need of much work, and get most of my clothes and the kids' from donations from the domestic violence agency that's working with me. After trying desperately to work, I'm now applying for SSA disability, and am seeking public assistance. My family is in no situation to be able to help. I have very few friends because my husband kept me so isolated for nearly 16 years, and I don't feel like I deserve friends, so I've sabotaged just about every friendship that might have been worthwhile.
How do I keep from just giving up? I just want to die, but I've promised myself, for the sake of my children, that I will never again try to end my life. I'm barely surviving. If I try for another hospitalization (for depression), my husband will use that against me as far as custody goes too. Despite the limited help the DV group has been able to give me, time is against me. How can I stop being emotionally victimized by my estranged husband? I can't get a restraining order against that!
Artemidoros gave this response on 4/22/2000:
Dear Anonymous, Time is on your side not against you. Your estranged husband is trying to make you believe and feel like a victim in order to manipulate you and harm you. As a matter of fact he is violating the law but he is making it in a way not to have any consequences on him. But that can't last too long unless you start to feel defeated and accepti it. I think you still got a lot of things to do. If as you put it you have come to the lowest point then you can from now on go up again. You have to regain self-esteem and confidence, give love to the ones who need it especially your children, build up new friendship, take care of your physical and moral health. There are a lot of persons that underwent situations similar to yours (you probably learned about all this at the DV group) and successfully overcame them. Your ex DOES NOT HAVE ANY arguments on his side and all he does is trying to gain time and weaken your position. I uderstand, according to what you write, that you are fragile and face a lot of difficulties at the moment but just keep in mind that things often change in life. Being hospitalised is not a reason, legally, for losing children's custody. So, if you indeed need that, don't get caught in double-binds and make the choice that best fits to your health status. You should of course keep in mind that your children always need you and it wouldn't be a good idea if during your absencies you let them with their father, especially if he is not in rule with his financial obligation. If you ever will need, you can use this as an argument against him, since he first of all is doing harm to his children with his behavior. In any case keep a diary with all facts concerning moral violence that you endure from his part as well as any other material evidence.