Anonymous asked this question on 4/19/2000:

Is it ever o.k. to have someone hit you? I know it is a stupid question but it's like I know certain things are going to piss my boyfriend off but sometimes I feel like I should be able to do whatever I want. I know that if I talk back or cuss at him that he might slap me in my mouth but sometimes I still do it.Does that make since? And the other stupid part is have the time I find myself saying sorry for him hitting me. I'm not stupid, actully I'm a straigt A college student. I even tell myself that I'm not going to do anything to piss him off but sometimes I still do. Don't tell me to get away from him, because I love him and I feel lonely without him but I just want him to treat me better. I want him to stop yelling at me, I don't like being scared of my boyfriend and I hate that almost everyone knows that he has hit me before. But I do not want to loss him. I don't think he would ever hurt me hurt me. Maybe scare me leave a couple of marks but not kill me. I know it sounds stupid but I really do believe it's true. They say you can't change those who don't want to be changed so what can I do to make it right?

nunjabiz gave this response on 4/22/2000:

First I want to say that you are taking the first step in the right direction, asking for help. To answer your question, there is no excuse for violence, NEVER! I have been working with perpertrators for the last two years, where i coordinate a treatment program. I work with the victims and partners also. I am a survivor myself. I have first hand experience with this and so its not just like I'm a professional telling you what to do, i have first hand experience, and know the hardships behind this. You are blaming yourself for his actions. Everyone is responsible for their actions. Violence is a choice, not a spontanious response to what someone does or says to you. A lot of times, we blame ourselves for what has happened to us, when its not our faults. We can say or do anything we want to, and no one should have control of that except us. When a male who has been exhibiting this type of behavior, you must look at the reasons why he thinks he has to use violence in your relationship. It is because he thinks or feels as if he is losing the power and control in the relationship, so he must use whatever means possible to gain it back. By him constantly tearing you down, he is gaining that control. If you do not put an end to this, it will only get worse. I understand you love him, but you have to look at how he is treating you. Be honest with yourself. Is love supposed to hurt? You can't make him change, he must want to change, and that might be the hardest thing for you to accept. If he thinks there is no problems for what he is doing to you, then he is in denial, and that is a very hard step to get beyond. Believe me, of the hundreds of men i have seen in my program, denial is the first step they need to overcome. If the court system didnt tell them that they must attend this program, then i would say atleast 95% of them would have never came. Ir all goes back to their values and beliefs. You mentioned too that you feel as though you cant survive without him. Again, look honestly and seriously at the relationship. No one should have to watch what they say or do to, again, please our partners. It sounds as if there is some codependency issues on your behave. Explore those issues, it is, again, a hard issue to look at since it is focused on you. I would like to send you more information, so if interested, please send me an email at nunjabiz@aol.com. I have some wonderful handouts for you to take a look at. Good luck!

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