Anonymous asked this question on 4/20/2000:

My ex-husband refuses to let me get on with my life. He was emotionally abusive while we were married but became physically abusive after I left. He has seen Dr's and been an out patient a couple of times since we seperated but he still can not accept the fact that I left. He has threatened suicide a couple of times and has stalked, beaten, raped and taped me over the last year. I want his family to get involved and try to help him because I believe that he feels like no one loves him and by his family not getting involved it is just making him more desperate to try to keep me. He wants to be loved more than anything else I think that is why he won't let go. He thinks everyone he ever loved has left him so he thinks he can stop me. Do you know of any programs or ca you suggest what needs done?

jellygator gave this response on 4/21/2000:

Please make sure, above EVERYTHING ELSE, to have a safe place to get away from him. This guy is dangerous and has the potential to kill you. That may sound extreme, but it isn't.

I don't think getting his family involved will help the situation much, though. Usually that's a great way to help someone recognize what they're doing, but in this case, he simply wants to manipulate. If you get his family involved, he is likely to turn it into a way to pressure you into returning to him or "at least" letting him into your life.

You said he "wants to be loved" and then describe some incredibly unlovable things he's done. I suspect his concept of love is based upon control. If you ignore him, he will get angry. If you pay attention to him, he will continue doing the same things.

I recommend getting a restraining order and USING IT. The best way to convince him to change is by not making it easy for him to avoid responsibility for his actions. If you want to get on with your life, use the tools you have available and do it. Stop focusing on what's best for him.

I can't tell you enough how dangerous he can be. If he thinks he can stop you and is doing the things you've described, it can escalate. Just like his charming personality escalated into an emotionally abusive one before it escalated into a physically abusive one, and then sexually abusive. Please don't find out the hard way that I was right. Move if necessary. Get a restraining order. Change your name if that's what it takes, but GET AWAY from the situation for your safety.

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