Anonymous asked this question on 4/19/2000:

Is it ever o.k. to have someone hit you? I know it is a stupid question but it's like I know certain things are going to piss my boyfriend off but sometimes I feel like I should be able to do whatever I want. I know that if I talk back or cuss at him that he might slap me in my mouth but sometimes I still do it.Does that make since? And the other stupid part is have the time I find myself saying sorry for him hitting me. I'm not stupid, actully I'm a straigt A college student. I even tell myself that I'm not going to do anything to piss him off but sometimes I still do. Don't tell me to get away from him, because I love him and I feel lonely without him but I just want him to treat me better. I want him to stop yelling at me, I don't like being scared of my boyfriend and I hate that almost everyone knows that he has hit me before. But I do not want to loss him. I don't think he would ever hurt me hurt me. Maybe scare me leave a couple of marks but not kill me. I know it sounds stupid but I really do believe it's true. They say you can't change those who don't want to be changed so what can I do to make it right?

Patti_Ja gave this response on 4/20/2000:

The question I have is not about him and how you can change him but rather my concern is for you...Just like you I believed that my actions caused the men in my life to hit me until I was thinking like this "If I were just smarter, prettier, kept quiet when he is angry, did not put myself in a man's place (whatever that means), did not flirt, did not go places he did not want me to go, did not wear things he did not want me to wear, did not talk to those he did not want me to talk to, kept a cleaner house, cooked better, talked less, talked more..." get the picture...the only way I could not be hurt was by not being with this person...Any threat of violence, any restriction of movement, any name calling, verbal aggression, any of this is abuse...Now why is it ok for you to be abused...The question that needs to be asked is...Why is it ok with you if he hits at all...would you put up with some male hitting your mother, sister, daughter? If the answer is that it depends on the circumstances...then there is nothing I can do or say until you want to change...forget him...if he goes away you are likely to find another abusive male to take his place until you can change enough to say that you are a valuable, intelligent human being who is deserving of respect and a life free from hitting

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