Anonymous asked this question on 4/19/2000:

Is it ever o.k. to have someone hit you? I know it is a stupid question but it's like I know certain things are going to piss my boyfriend off but sometimes I feel like I should be able to do whatever I want. I know that if I talk back or cuss at him that he might slap me in my mouth but sometimes I still do it.Does that make since? And the other stupid part is have the time I find myself saying sorry for him hitting me. I'm not stupid, actully I'm a straigt A college student. I even tell myself that I'm not going to do anything to piss him off but sometimes I still do. Don't tell me to get away from him, because I love him and I feel lonely without him but I just want him to treat me better. I want him to stop yelling at me, I don't like being scared of my boyfriend and I hate that almost everyone knows that he has hit me before. But I do not want to loss him. I don't think he would ever hurt me hurt me. Maybe scare me leave a couple of marks but not kill me. I know it sounds stupid but I really do believe it's true. They say you can't change those who don't want to be changed so what can I do to make it right?

courtneysmom gave this response on 4/19/2000:

Dear anonymous:

I'm sorry you are having these problems in your life. NO---IT IS NEVER, EVER OK to hit someone, period. End of sentence. Exclamation point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you are seeing a lot of "red flags" that indicate this is not the man for you. It sounds as though you think having somebody is better than having nobody. That is not true. A dead you has nothing to give anybody. Did that make sense? I am not being melo-dramatic here, there is serious bizzness. I have personally witnessed several people with stories just like yours and guess what, they are 6 ft under. They (too) didn't think he would "hurt them that bad!" Domestic violence is a cycle of power and control and the batterer is the one with the power. It is a vicious cycle. You don't want to hear leave him, but that is exactly what you should do. If he will get counseling, that may help---but why waste another day with a man that treats you bad. That doesn't make sense if you stop and really think about it. You are worth so much more. If he has a habit of lashing out when he gets angry, he needs to deal with his anger by seeing a good therapist. Even batterers can be nice sometimes and treat you good. This is classic. He can even be warm and loving. But then the next thing you know, he's in a rage again. Does this sound familiar? Please seek the help you need. You can contact your local battered women's shelter or the victim services center in your local area and they can provide all kinds of help for you and him. Please recognize that you are a person worthy of the company of someone better than this. Don't accept excuses as if he is treating you this way now, he will continue until you do something about it. Wishing it to change will not work. Please don't tolerate abuse of any kind, you could be the next statistic. I don't mean to be insensitive to your feelings of "love" towards him, but you need to hear these things from those of us who can recognize the signs and who only want you to be with us for a long time, among the living! Take care and let me know should you need another shot in the arm! courtneysmom

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