Anonymous asked this question on 4/17/2000:
not sure where to start except to say that we have been married for almost 7 years and he is a very jealous man,he has abused me both physically and mentally.about 2 or maybe 3 years ago he hit me on several occassions which i did have him arrested for 2 of those occasions,and to this day he does not dare hit me but he does i think mentally abuse me always accuses me of messing around and very very jealous,i have left him several times but i continue to think oh he will change but in my heart i have my doubts i am just so afraid to leave him because i have been with him for so long and it seems impossible to make it on my own with 2 kids,but i know that my kids do not need to hear fussing all the time i should also mention that he never hits the kids but does lack in patience with them,he is even very jealous of the children he gets really upset when they are talking to me or loving on me,he believes that they have had their time already and when he gets home from work it should be his time with me.i am so confused and scared i feel like i am imagining all of this but i know that i am not,he has even completley embarresed me in a grocery store many times saying that i am looking at another man and he says it loud enough that people around us can hear.i should also say this,through out all of this i have met a man on the internet that i really enjoy talking to which i never meant to go as far as it has,no we have not done anything physically together but we do talk alot and we have exchanged pictures through the mail.i guess i should also say that this man is also married.we live worlds apart but he brings so much happiness in my life that i am lacking and need so much.i dont want to hurt anyone but i cant help but feel these feelings for this man.please help,i need good advice.thanks so much
Help4U1 gave this response on 4/17/2000:
Hi,
I am sorry that you are in so much pain from this relationship. I am glad that you did have him arrested on those occasions when he did hit you, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to do that.
I think the fact that you are seeking the things that you are lacking in your present relationship is telling you that this situation is not going to get better. He has gone from one form of abuse (and all forms of abuse are meant to demean and control) to other types like controllong time with your children, his extreme jealousy and his humiliating you in public.
I always try to find something salvageable in questions people ask but in your case his behavior is affecting you and your children and there is no happiness where you are at. Change for him could happen but I get the impression the damage has been done.
I'm glad the man you met on the internet has given you some happiness and I understand why you have the feelings you do. Although you have never met he is giving you all the things you so desperately need in a relationship. My advice to you would be to take things slow as both of you are married and right now you are vulnerable. You can meet some wonderful people on the internet and I hope he is one of those but there are also ones who prey on women who are in vulnerbale situations.
Could you make it with two children and start over? Sure you could. If you need help contact a womens shelter as they are there to help women who are in your situation. I think you know what you want to do and I understand if you're scared and confused. Starting over is never easy but your safety and your childrens safety and happiness is more important.
When I left my abusive relationship I was a teenager and it was one of the most frightening times of my life but when I left I realized it was the best decision I ever made. Yes, I was scared but more importantly I survived and did eventually find happiness again.
You will find the happiness that you deserve to have again but you will need courage once again to break the chains from this relationship to find what you are truly looking for.
I hope I have helped you in some way and I truly hope happiness will find you soon. If I can help you any further please know you can contact me at anytime. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Laura
Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 4/18/2000:
HI,
I WANT TO FIRST SAY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING ME AN ANSWER BACK AND THE ENCOURAGMENT THAT YOU GAVE I ALSO WANT TO SAY THAT I DID FAIL TO MENTION IN MY LAST LETTER THAT SINCE I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALL THIS WITH MY HUSBAND THAT I HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM AFTER ALL HE IS PUT ME THROUGH,I WONDER IF THAT IS NORMAL TO FEEL THAT WAY OR DO YOU FEEL THAT I AM NOT BEING FAIR TO GIVE HIM HIM A CHANCE TO BE A BETTER HUSBAND?I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS ON ONE OCCASSION AND HE GOT REALLY UPSET,HE BEGAN TO CRY I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS READY TO END THIS MARRIAGE BUT WHEN HE CRYED OF COURSE I FELT SORRY FOR HIM AND SO OF COURSE I TOLD HIM THINGS WOULD HAVE TO GET BETTER WITHIN A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME OR I WOULD LEAVE ANYWAY.AFTER BEING THROUGH ALL WHAT I HAVE I DONT WONT TO EVEN BE NEAR HIM MEANING SEXUAL WISE I WONDER IS THAT NORMAL?THAT IS ALSO CAUSING A BIG ISSUE IN OUR MARRIAGE,I AM AFRAID TO TELL HIM THAT I DONT ENJOY IT WITH HIM ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THAT,I HAVE OF COURSE CONTINUED SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH HIM ANYWAY BECASUE WHEN I DONT HE GETS REALLY UPSET AT ME AND CALLS ME VERY UGLY NAMES SO IN ORDER FOR ME TO NOT HEAR THAT I CONTINUE TO DO IT ALTHOUGH I HATE IT,MAYBE THAT SOUNDS CRAZY I DONT KNOW BUT I HAVE JUST NO LOVE FOR HIM ANYMORE,I DO CARE FOR HIM BUT THE LOVE I ONCE HAD FOR HIM IS GONE.I SHOULD TELL YOU ALSO THAT I HAVE HIDDEN PLANS THAT I PLAN TO DO ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE IF I DONT LOOSE MY COURAGE,FIRST I HAVE THINGS IN MY LIFE FOR MY CHILDREN AND MYSELF TO GET ARRANGED,THAT MAY NOT SOUND FAIR TO DO BUT I HAVE TO IN ORDER TO MAKE IT WELL FOR US.I DONT FEEL THAT LIVING IN THIS IS MAKING ME A STRONGER PERSON IT ONLY MAKES ME A WEAKER PERSON SO THAT IS WHY I FEEL I HAVE TO LEAVE.HE HAS TOLD ME THAT NO MAN IN THIS WORLD WOULD EVER WANT ME WITH 2 CHILDREN AND THAT HAS BROUGHT ME WAY DOWN BUT I HAVE FOUND OUT DIFFERENTLY AND I KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE AND I FEEL STICKING AROUND IN THIS WILL ONLY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I CANT DO AYYTHING WITH MY LIFE EVER I FEEL LIKE I AM IN A PRISON AND CANT DO ANYTHING WITH OUT ANSWERING TO HIM AT ALL TIMES WHICH DRIVES ME IN SAIN.I DO APPRECIATE ALL THE ADVICE YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME.ALSO IF YOU COULD PLEASE LET ME KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT HOW THE WOMEN SHELTER, LIKE WHAT EXACTLY THEY CAN DO TO HELP ME OUT,ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING.
DIANE
Help4U1 gave this response on 4/18/2000:
Hi,
You are very welcome, I'm glad that I helped you in some way.
Everything you are saying concerning your feelings is very normal. He is showing you absolutely no respect as a wife or human being so I do understand what you are saying. Words are very powerful and when they are all negative time and again our feelings will change.
You have tried to give him a chance and he doesn't want to change so your options for this relationship have run out.
It's not crazy to not want a physical relationship with him. To have that kind of relationship with someone and you hate it tells me you're a pretty strong woman as you're having to just go through the motions. That has to be torture and and I guess as the saying goes "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." makes you living proof of this.
I'm glad you have made some arrangements for you and your children and I'm glad that you are not believing what he is telling you. For you to be going through what you are you are an exceptionally strong woman and I have no doubts that once you are able to finish this relationship you will find someone you deserve because you are a survivor.
Men and women start over all the time and find happiness whether they have children or not and there is someone out there for you that will love you, encourage you and appreciate you and when you find that person tell them I said they are a very lucky person for finding someone who is so strong and exceptional:)
The womens shelter is for women who have been abused and are in need of help in getting out of an abusive relationship. They can provide temporary shelter, counseling and help women with job skills so they can find employment. I hope you will get in contact with them and discuss your situation with them and see what they can offer you in the way of assistance.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. By the way, you have more courage than I think you realize. You are a real inspiration.
Laura
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