Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:
What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?
nemesis2 gave this response on 4/17/2000:
People can give you all sorts of REASONS why they are like they are, but there is no EXCUSE for violence. It cannot be clearer than that, and one things is for certain, we have a hard enough time changing ourselves, we need the committment, the intention and the capabilities to change - we cannot change anyone else's behavior - as we cannot MAKE someone do something, neither can we stop them if they have such intentions. So then, if your 59 yr old man is intent on being abusive, you have to decide how you are going to deal with it. If he says he has a problem, and if he says he wants to do something about it, and, the big if, if he actually takes steps to address his anger - then he may indeed be able to get some results out of some professional therapy. As for your other request - books, a good site to check out first is Amazon - do a search for self-help and abuse, it will give you a list and reviews. Hope you are coping - sounds to me like you have the answers but need some courage and support - you are totally right in saying you need to move on, perhaps physically but also emotionally from your current situation. Well done in respecting your right to happinness. Kindest regards, tracey
The average rating for this answer is 4.