Anonymous asked this question on 4/15/2000:

As a child from ages 4 to 6 I can remember my grandfather crawling on me and from there I've blocked it out. I guss I'm afraid of remembering what he actually did to me. I was almost raped by a family friend at 9 years old. When I was around 7 or 8 years old my aunt made me have sex with her. When I was 11 years old my uncle fondled me, made me take baths with him, made me drink liquor, made me look at playboy magazines, and he wanted to take pictures of me nude. He would take me riding with him and his friends. I wouldn't remember any thing till the next morning at home in my bed. I didn't tell any one is because back in those days noone would have believed me. I totally respected these people and looked up to them like they were my second parents. I'm now 35 years old and I'm not sure who I am anymore. My husband and I can't get along to well anymore because I want come to his every beckon call. My attitude toward men now is just that an attitude. My husband knows about all this but doesn't think it should affect my life now. I've tried counseling. They didn't seem to help me. I can't afford a counselor because of their outragous fees. What makes me so mad is now when I see one of them eveyting is okand should be forgotten. How should I try to get my life back together? I think if I get some of this sorted out my life with my family will get back to normal. Can you help? What would you suggest I do?, As a child from ages 4 to 6 I can remember my grandfather crawling on me and from there I've blocked it out. I guss I'm afraid of remembering what he actually did to me. I was almost raped by a family friend at 9 years old. When I was around 7 or 8 years old my aunt made me have sex with her. When I was 11 years old my uncle fondled me, made me take baths with him, made me drink liquor, made me look at playboy magazines, and he wanted to take pictures of me nude. He would take me riding with him and his friends. I wouldn't remember any thing till the next morning at home in my bed. I didn't tell any one is because back in those days noone would have believed me. I totally respected these people and looked up to them like they were my second parents. I'm now 35 years old and I'm not sure who I am anymore. My husband and I can't get along to well anymore because I want come to his every beckon call. My attitude toward men now is just that an attitude. My husband knows about all this but doesn't think it should affect my life now. I've tried counseling. They didn't seem to help me. I can't afford a counselor because of their outragous fees. What makes me so mad is now when I see one of them eveyting is okand should be forgotten. How should I try to get my life back together? I think if I get some of this sorted out my life with my family will get back to normal. Can you help? What would you suggest I do?

wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/16/2000:

Anonymous:

It is unfortunate that most counselors believe they have the expertise to counsel in sexual abuse matters. However, this is a very special field and 98% of counselors do not get training in this field. There are only about four institutions that currently have coursework in this area, and only two have what I would term "complete" coursework.

I have been counseling in this area almost exclusively for the past 15 years and have written books on the subject to help other counselors to do a better job.

First, Please don't give up on counseling. It is very very important for you. I suggest very strongly that your husband attend (after you have established a good start). There are many ways he can help you. But, first, he needs some education in this area.

When you are looking for a counselor, look for one who counsels in the area of sex abuse, and one who uses GROUP SESSIONS in their counseling. Group sessions are much less expensive than private counseling and is much more effective in this area!

Second. I was a victim of sexual abuse as well, and I, too, could not remember specific detail. This is a defense mechanism that our minds use to protect us from traumatic events. I do, now remember those specifics. However, it is not truly necessary for you to recall what happened. You do know that several incidents of abuse happened. What really matters now is what you do about them. That is what the counselor can help you with.

The counselor should educate you. Why these things happen. What was your role in it. What you can do about it. The group sessions will help you to recover.

The main thing I want to you to understand is that YOU WERE A CHILD! None of this was your fault! Children need to trust the adults in their family, but these adults betrayed your trust. Not your fault!

Secondly, there ARE things that you can do for yourself! Don't let anyone tell you that the best you can do is to learn to COPE with it! They will say that you will need to learn to be a SURVIVOR! Don't believe them! You CAN become a whole person!! Set that as your goal and don't except anything less! OK?

About those who victimized you: You can hate what they did, and it might be important for you to let them know. But, let your counselor help you make that decision. It might be a good idea....and it might not. I never faced my mother with what she did to me because I knew it would back her into a denial corner. I tried, instead, to let her know in other ways that I was able to FORGIVE her. This was important for several reasons. One of those reasons is that she was still my mother. Another was because I had to eventually learn to let go of my anger. Anger is good! But, it can get out of hand. Your self respect and self image is most important.

If you would like to respond to this answer and let me know what area you are in, perhaps I can refer you to some help in your specific area.

I will be praying for you!

William

wwnelsonfive11 gave this follow-up answer on 4/16/2000:

After completing my answer read Manassah's answer and I want to put my two cents in as well.

I, too, found Christ and found that Jesus loves me very much! Through Him I was able to forgive! Very important!

But, don't forget counseling! If you can find a christian counselor....or a pastoral counselor with expertise in this area you will be way ahead!

God Bless You<

William

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