Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

Eaglet gave this response on 4/15/2000:

It sounds like he may have an anger management problem. One, how his parents were, doesn't excuse his behavior, he HAS the choice to change.

If he doesn't want to go and get help, then there really isn't to much you can do. Stand your boundaries, don't go out with him until he does as you have requested. If you give him this request, but then go back to him, it shows him that you are not serious about this, so he doesn't have to go and get help, cause you will continue to go back to him.

Some say that if a man hasn't changed by the time he is 35, then he never will, but I believe that God is capable of doing anything. If he truely wants help and goes, I believe that he can get it.

And as far as getting help, I think it would also be a good idea for you, to deal with what you have been through and maybe get a better insight on things.

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