Anonymous asked this question on 4/15/2000:

As a child from ages 4 to 6 I can remember my grandfather crawling on me and from there I've blocked it out. I guss I'm afraid of remembering what he actually did to me. I was almost raped by a family friend at 9 years old. When I was around 7 or 8 years old my aunt made me have sex with her. When I was 11 years old my uncle fondled me, made me take baths with him, made me drink liquor, made me look at playboy magazines, and he wanted to take pictures of me nude. He would take me riding with him and his friends. I wouldn't remember any thing till the next morning at home in my bed. I didn't tell any one is because back in those days noone would have believed me. I totally respected these people and looked up to them like they were my second parents. I'm now 35 years old and I'm not sure who I am anymore. My husband and I can't get along to well anymore because I want come to his every beckon call. My attitude toward men now is just that an attitude. My husband knows about all this but doesn't think it should affect my life now. I've tried counseling. They didn't seem to help me. I can't afford a counselor because of their outragous fees. What makes me so mad is now when I see one of them eveyting is okand should be forgotten. How should I try to get my life back together? I think if I get some of this sorted out my life with my family will get back to normal. Can you help? What would you suggest I do?, As a child from ages 4 to 6 I can remember my grandfather crawling on me and from there I've blocked it out. I guss I'm afraid of remembering what he actually did to me. I was almost raped by a family friend at 9 years old. When I was around 7 or 8 years old my aunt made me have sex with her. When I was 11 years old my uncle fondled me, made me take baths with him, made me drink liquor, made me look at playboy magazines, and he wanted to take pictures of me nude. He would take me riding with him and his friends. I wouldn't remember any thing till the next morning at home in my bed. I didn't tell any one is because back in those days noone would have believed me. I totally respected these people and looked up to them like they were my second parents. I'm now 35 years old and I'm not sure who I am anymore. My husband and I can't get along to well anymore because I want come to his every beckon call. My attitude toward men now is just that an attitude. My husband knows about all this but doesn't think it should affect my life now. I've tried counseling. They didn't seem to help me. I can't afford a counselor because of their outragous fees. What makes me so mad is now when I see one of them eveyting is okand should be forgotten. How should I try to get my life back together? I think if I get some of this sorted out my life with my family will get back to normal. Can you help? What would you suggest I do?

Eaglet gave this response on 4/15/2000:

Dear Lost I can relate to what you are saying and what you are going through. You don't remember, because you have blocked it out, it was a way to survive then, by blocking, you don't have the memories, it is a coping thing, it like I said was a way to protect yourself, it was to much for you to deal with by yourself at that age.

I don't agree with your husband, it does have an effect on your relationships, not only with him, but with people in general. Have you tried to go to a couples counseling? Or join a support group? If he learned more, he might understand more.

I also have to deal with facing my abusers, who are also in my family, and they do act like nothing ever happend, and I use to doubt that it really did happen, but I know it did, don't let them make you think that it didn't. As you deal and heal, it will be easier to see these people, I know it is easier said than done, but I have been there, and I am dealing and healing now, and I can honestly say that I can face one of them, and know the truth, but be in control of the situation and actually have peace when I see him, rather than fear. It will come, but it does take time.

As far as counseling, is there any women centers around you? They should supply free counseling for you. It might take awhile to find a counselor that you feel that you are comfortable with and that you can trust. I have actually found mine in one of my pastors, but she is a trained couns. and is getting her doctrine in psy. There are also some books and teachings that might help if you would like to try them first.

I am also a member of an e-mail support group for female abuse survivors, if you would like more info on it, just e-mail me. And I can also get you a list of the books and stuff if you would like.

I will give you my addy SerenaFair@hotmail.com

You might feel lost now, but you aren't, you are found, sending this question, was just the start.

God Bless, With the love of survivors, Eaglet

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