Anonymous asked this question on 4/14/2000:

I am a 30 year old single mom of a 5-year old son and am currently pregnant with my second child. My son's father has nothing to do with us--he hasn't seen him in 3 years. The father of this baby is my first love--we've known each other for 12 years and started out as friends and remained so through all of our other relationships. I'd been in love with him for years but he never wanted me. I was around some with his first ex-they have 2 kids together. I didn't care for her--jealousy--and when she would come in with black eyes and busted lips I believed him when he said that she run her mouth and deserved it--I was always on his side. They moved out west and soon after she moved back home with the kids. He then remarried for 5 years and I have talked to her once and she asked if he had hit me yet. I lied and told her no because I wanted her to think I was different. Anyway, he wrote me and told me that he realized he was in love with me and could he come home. I said yes and he came home. I think he was jealous of my son--he was never physically abusive to him but he did send him to his room a lot and my son didn't understand why I let this strange man tell him what to do. Over the year that he's been home, he's been in jail--he's an alcoholic and drug abuser--hasn't worked-he only made $2,500 last year total--and all around jerk. I've been slapped, had handfuls of hair ripped out, hit in the stomach with an overnight bag full of clothes and shoes, and choked repeatedly. Plus, he's bitten me over various parts of my body. He's cost me 2 jobs by coming in drunk and making a scene. Each time was followed by "I promise it won't ever happen again." And I believed him. I had finally given up on a future for him and with him and decided that I didn't want to be with him anymore when I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't going to tell him but he knew something was wrong and the more I told him it was nothing the angrier he got and started accusing me of seeing someone else or cheating on him, so to save myself a lot of trouble I told him. Instead of blowing off court like I was trying to get him to do he went and was sentenced to 6 months for breaking his probation. Now he's saying that he wants to make it up to me and my son, he's going to show me that he has changed and he wants to be a part of this baby's life (he has nothing to do with his other kids-the only time he's seen them since he's been home he was drunk). He is convinced that he can make me happy. I don't buy it. I don't want him back. I don't think he's changed a bit. I've heard it all before. Can he change? He thinks this baby is the answer to all of his problems. I will not put my children through any torment--they mean more to me than he ever will. I don't want to put us in the situation of getting hurt. I've told him but he doesn't want to hear it. He tries to make me feel guilty because he says he put himself in jail for "us"--I just don't know how to handle him. Do I give him another chance? I don't think I'm in love with him anymore but now we'll be connected forever. I'm scared that if I try to get away from him he will cause me problems with my family--I've already lost my friends. What should I do? I'm sorry this is so long-I just wanted to include some history. I know people can overcome alcohol and drugs--but can they overcome violent tendencies? Thanks for you time.

courtneysmom gave this response on 4/14/2000:

Dear Anonymous:

So sorry your are in this difficult situation. I hesitate to say abusers can change because my experience in this area screams to me a resounding "NO!" However, I am a believer in miracles and know they do happen, on occasion. But in this particular area, not often. It depends on the individual abuser and their willingness and motivation to truly change. I have not seen many instances (I can count on one hand) where treatment was totally successful, even if they did seek it. I will say that most of the success I have seen and researched, comes from those abusers who are court ordered to complete a treatment program and where the judge is tough as nails. Unfortunately, those courtrooms are few and far between. You do not have to be tied to this man because of your child. In fact, abuse is one of the things children should have protection from and abusing you, the mother, is grounds to NOT having anything to do with this man. He can fight you if he wants for visitation, but you need to be prepared to fight with everything you've got and documentation to prove and illustrate why this man should not have visitation with any child. He doesn't even visit the ones already here. Your responsibility is to make your life and your children's life the healthiest it can possibly be and my dear sweet woman, it IS NOT going to be healthy with this man. So, I support your wise decision to move on with your life and please do not allow him to squirm his way back into your life (or bed) again. You have the precious opportunity now to do what is right for you and your children. I sincerely hope you take it and make the very best of it. Please read some of my other answers in violence and abuse to learn more about the dynamics involved with domestic violence. Please stay safe and as far away from this man as you can get. If you need further support, please just ask me. Take good care,

courtneysmom

The average rating for this answer is 4.

Anonymous rated this answer a 4.