huey_vivian asked this question on 4/13/2000:
okay he's my question i left my boyfiend for two weeks stright and then one day me and my friend was in the his car the friends car and he was crying and saying that he would never hit me angain then he left me but he did not want anybody elese he wanted just me in his life but i went back to him the third time around what should i do should i learn to trust him and think things will be okay this time or what?????????????
wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/13/2000:
huey vivian:
First, let me make an observation: I know that you really like your boyfriend. However, please be aware that almost all abusers don't stop like that. I would hope that his abuse will start up again at some point. And, it will most likely be more severe! He needs professional help!
So, second, I would feel strongly that you should get assurances that he will get help and stay there until the counselor releases him!
Thirdly, and most importantly, do not go back with him until he FINISHES that counseling. I would advise you to go with him several times (not at the beginning) and participate in those sessions so you can get a good feeling about whether he is making progress or not. But, establish a dialog with the counselor.
And, finally, if he doesn't agree to counseling.....DROP HIM! Continuing in that situation would be dangerous for you...and for your friends and family. And not good for him as well.
He's probably going to try to make you feel bad about not taking him back right now, but don't listen to him. That's what most abusers do. But don't listen. You set the rules, not him. OK?
Thanks,
William
wwnelsonfive11 gave this follow-up answer on 4/13/2000:
huey_vivian:
In the first paragraph of my answer I mistyped my response. I said, "I would hope that his abuse would start up again..." What I meant to say was, I would hope that you are aware that his abuse would probably start up again." Please excuse my typing skills and listen to what I meant to say. :)
In practically all cases the abuser continues the abuse at some later point. While he may truly mean what he says now, he has an illness that needs to be treated! And, his illness will NOT go away without treatment.
Thank your for the opportunity to correct my ill typed response.
I will pray for you.
William
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