Anonymous asked this question on 4/6/2000:
When does critisim become emotional, verbal, and/or mental abuse? I'm a grown woman with a mother who I can't stand. I'ma trim 5'6" 115. I gained 15 last year and was berated constantly about how I was getting fat. I'm still a size 4 she's been a 16 or more my whole life. I'm lazy and unmotivated although I work 60 hours a week at a profesional job. I'm a failure and disappointment even though I'm a high earner and have a graduate degree. She's never had a job in her life, had to go to summer school to finish high school and has literally slept her life away. I've never been good enough, it's suprising I have any self esteem at all. My other sister has moved across country to get away from her and rarely calls. I live in the same town and run into her often, but not on purpose. She bad mouths me to my relatives who have the impression I'm a bum. Is this abuse?
symonie_2000 gave this response on 4/13/2000:
Anonymous,
Of course it's abuse. This is way too familiar for me. Judging by the fact that you work 60 hours a week, you are a very hard-working person. You're not fat. In fact, you're practically a flag pole. I myself weigh more than you (not THAT much, though), even though I am only an inch taller than you. You have done extremely well for yourself, so your mother should be happy for you. I know of a TON of people who barely have a decent job and their parents don't treat them like that. Don't worry, honey: there's nothing wrong with you. Your mother's got the problem. What is it? I'm not sure. She could be suffering from low self-esteem and need to build herself up by degrading you. But don't degrade yourself by retaliating. Or she may want the best for you and she may not know how to tell you to not do exactly like she did (even though I don't understand why she would abuse you. Don't blame me; this came from my therapist). Whatever the reason, there is no excuse for abuse and no reason why she should act like that. You don't have to stand for it. In fact, if I were in your position, I wouldn't. I would probably move somewhere else. If that weren't possible, I would avoid her as much as possible. If you can, do all your outside errands in one day, most likely over the weekend. Post your letters, do shopping, mow the lawn, garden, wash your car, say, on a Saturday so you can minimize contact with your mother. If you're not one to avoid someone, you should talk to her (yikes!!!). But this has got to stop now. I still live with my mother, but I'm at school and even I'm moving out ASAP so I don't have to see or hear the bitch anymore. As for your relatives, if they want to believe what your delusional mother says, then don't be bothered by them. I don't know why they would believe something like that if they can see for themselves that you have a more-than-decent job and life. You would've thought that they could've at LEAST given you the benefit of the doubt, but no, they have to believe everything SHE says. If there isn't any way to get them to stop, there's no point in worrying about it, because you're not going to be able to change what they think or feel. Just go on with your own life and do what makes you happy. It IS YOUR LIFE, after all...
symonie_2000
The average rating for this answer is 4.