Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:
What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?
Sarah32 gave this response on 4/13/2000:
Abuse is like going through a cycle. Someone who grows up with abuse will usually continue the cycle of abuse. Unless they realize the problem and be determined to stop the cycle. In the situation that you are in he is very abusive verbally abd physically and the only way to correct the problem is to tell him that you don't want to see him anymore. Someone that hits you and then says they love you, does not love you. Love is not based on how many times someone hits you or how many times they make verbal remarks to you. One who is the abuser does not know how to have a relationship without abuse. Look, you can make it on your own, why take abuse when you deserve nothing more than the best. No matter what someone says, God made you, and God would not approve of this sort of behavior. Tell him to take a hike and then concentrate on spending time pampering yourself and build your self-esteem up and then find someone who will appreciate you for you and be good to you. Staying with him is like saying,"It's ok for him to hit me or destroy my things." No, it is not ok, it is a crime and he could spend time in prison for these cruel acts.
The average rating for this answer is 3.