Anonymous asked this question on 4/7/2000:

Hi all, I have a problem and I would love some input from the experts here, before I totally lose my mind. Here's my situation; To be as brief as possible, I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me. Our mother was killed in a horrific car accident when I was 13 and my sister was only 3 years old. My sister is a very beautiful girl, just finishing her last year in college, very loving and giving, active in her church and community. Don't get me wrong, she is not a perfect angel, but she is a very good person, a person who always sees the good in everyone and would never harm anything or anyone. For the past year she has been dating a guy that seemed to be alright. Our father and our 4 brothers (all older than her), and I, thought he seemed like the average guy and didn't have a problem with him. One day she was mad at him and opened up to me and told me that he had been abusing her. The things she told me that he has done to her are some pretty serious things. Some made my stomach turn. Aside from the horrible physical abuse, he has her convinced that she is ugly and a total tramp and no one else will ever have her. He knows that I know what he has been up to, so he tries to keep her from spending any time with me. I was honestly sick after hearing about these terrible things that he has done to her. Believe me when I say the things he has done to her are sick and disgusting,(ranging from head-butting her trying to knock her unconcious to stomping on her face and stomach), and that's not even the worst of it. I was so angry at him and begged her to leave him alone. At the time she was mad at him and agreed to. She asked me to promise not to tell anyone. I knew that would be a promise I could never keep. Things like this HAVE to be talked about or someone could wind up getting killed. A couple of days later she was back with him and everything was lovey dovey again between them. She no longer wanted to talk about the abuse and even said that she wished she had never told me. She said that he is a great guy and she is going to marry him and he will get some help for his "little problem", and everything will be wonderful. I told my father and brothers. Their initial reaction was to go and phisically harm the guy. Then they decided that saying or doing anything would only push her closer to him. When I try to bring up the subject to her about leaving him, she clams up and gets mad and won't talk to me for days. I am convinced I need to keep the lines of communication open with her, so I have had to try and not say anything to her, but it is killing me to be quiet about this! I am angry that my father and brothers have not at least let the guy know that they know what he has been doing and voice their opinion on the matter. As time goes by, her boyfriend, when he is being good, helps her in many ways, does nice things for her and shows his better side around my family. I think my father and brothers think that I have exaggerated about how bad this guy is. I think they have the "he could be better, but he could be worse" attitude. This is really upsetting to me. I don't know how much longer I can just stand by and watch these things happen to her. When I try to say or do something about it, it just puts distance between us, and I don't want that because I love her with all my heart, she is my best friend. Something has got to be done about this situation before he kills her. I feel like climbing to the top of a mountain and screaming for help until someone hears me! My family is convinced that saying anything to her or her boyfriend will only push her that much closer to him. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?

courtneysmom gave this response on 4/8/2000:

Dear Anonymous:

I am so very sorry you are struggling with this situation. Your sister sounds as though she is in big time denial. Quite often, when a victim tells another member of their family about the abuse, the abuser begins to try to isolate the victim from that family member, which is exactly what he is doing with you. While it is true you can't help someone in this situation until they recognize there is a problem and want help, there are some things you can do on the sidelines. I will get to that later. I first want to impress upon you how serious this situation is. I beg you to continue to find ways to see your sister and make sure she is alright. The last thing she needs is isolation from you. She needs to be educated about the dynamics of domestic violence. She needs to learn that when not abusing, most batterers are on their "good behavior" and can even be warm and loving. The fact that he is good sometimes, does not excuse or negate the fact that he still has a real problem. I know it is hard on you too, because we sometimes just can't understand how someone so smart, beautiful, and "with it" can stay with someone who harms her. It is frustrating. The reasons they continue to stay are too lengthy to go into here but you will discover all that in your educational search. For the abuser, it is all about power and control. In all probability, he was not abusive in the beginning of their relationship, and as you say, even now, does not always use physical violence. It is rare for an abuser to physically assault his partner prior to beginning a pattern of verbal abuse and emotional control. It is likely, if your sister is willing to reflect back on the relationship, she can begin to see how the abuse started in very subtle ways--through attacks on her feelings of self-worth, her abilities as a person, and by slowly isolating her from family and friends. Sadly, it often is not until a woman feels "trapped", either emotionally, financially, or socially, that she recognizes how destructive and abusive her partner has become. The physical violence often begins to increase in severity and intensity at this stage--after an abuser is reasonably sure his partner is isolated and cut off from much of her support system. This is when he knows he can get away with anything.

I hope with all my heart she does not marry this man BEFORE he seeks treatment. She should demand he get the help he needs prior to marrying him. Please encourage her to do so. The effects of domestic violence on children are tragic. I have worked in this area for many years and I have seen too many women and children hurt or killed. I am not trying to scare you to death, please understand that I'm only trying to help you save your sister's life. Here are the things you CAN do.

**educate yourself and your family about the facts and myths of abuse. **share this information with those around you **express your concern and support for sister **learn to be a good listener **let people make their own decisions, no matter how "bad" you believe their choices **accept her decision as being what is right for her at this time **get information and provide her with it **don't be too judgemental **recognize and praise the good qualities you see in her **model assertive behavior **model respectful behavior **help her see herself as a "good person" **encourage her to be honest with you **be honest with her **don't judge her as "weak" for staying **affirm that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect **help clarify her feelings **validate her feelings **provide emotional support **never condone the abuse **keep the lines of communication open **tell her that no one deserves to be beaten **ask her how she would react if a friend of hers were being treated this way by a BF **explain that possessiveness and jealousy are NOT LOVE **don't ever be a mediator **be aware that violence escalates in frequency and severity **be aware that injury or death occurs most often when the victim is attempting to leave **recommend professional help for your sister and for him **call in a professional if you fear for her safety **do a family intervention (this is where the family gathers and sits her down and tells her like it is---and the consequences of her not taking action-----a professional can mediate this for you--sometimes these are very effective) **NEVER put yourself in a dangerous situation with her BF. It may encourage your sister to discount the danger that both of you are in. **Remember you can't rescue her if she isn't ready to be helped **But, be there for her when she is and let her know you always are there and she can come to you no matter what!

These are just some things you can do and will make you feel better too. Contact your local shelter or victim advocate (usually in the local prosecutor's office). They can provide you with information you can share with her. Volunteering there is another way to learn. Here are a couple of good websites you can also get information. www.ndvh.org and www.mcs.net/~kathyw/kathome.html

I apologize for this being so long, but I wanted to give you all I could.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Do not hesitate to contact me in the future. Hang in there. Your sister is a lucky young lady to have a big sis like you. Keep me posted please. God Bless and Keep All of You Safe courtneysmom

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