Anonymous asked this question on 4/7/2000:

Hi all, I have a problem and I would love some input from the experts here, before I totally lose my mind. Here's my situation; To be as brief as possible, I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me. Our mother was killed in a horrific car accident when I was 13 and my sister was only 3 years old. My sister is a very beautiful girl, just finishing her last year in college, very loving and giving, active in her church and community. Don't get me wrong, she is not a perfect angel, but she is a very good person, a person who always sees the good in everyone and would never harm anything or anyone. For the past year she has been dating a guy that seemed to be alright. Our father and our 4 brothers (all older than her), and I, thought he seemed like the average guy and didn't have a problem with him. One day she was mad at him and opened up to me and told me that he had been abusing her. The things she told me that he has done to her are some pretty serious things. Some made my stomach turn. Aside from the horrible physical abuse, he has her convinced that she is ugly and a total tramp and no one else will ever have her. He knows that I know what he has been up to, so he tries to keep her from spending any time with me. I was honestly sick after hearing about these terrible things that he has done to her. Believe me when I say the things he has done to her are sick and disgusting,(ranging from head-butting her trying to knock her unconcious to stomping on her face and stomach), and that's not even the worst of it. I was so angry at him and begged her to leave him alone. At the time she was mad at him and agreed to. She asked me to promise not to tell anyone. I knew that would be a promise I could never keep. Things like this HAVE to be talked about or someone could wind up getting killed. A couple of days later she was back with him and everything was lovey dovey again between them. She no longer wanted to talk about the abuse and even said that she wished she had never told me. She said that he is a great guy and she is going to marry him and he will get some help for his "little problem", and everything will be wonderful. I told my father and brothers. Their initial reaction was to go and phisically harm the guy. Then they decided that saying or doing anything would only push her closer to him. When I try to bring up the subject to her about leaving him, she clams up and gets mad and won't talk to me for days. I am convinced I need to keep the lines of communication open with her, so I have had to try and not say anything to her, but it is killing me to be quiet about this! I am angry that my father and brothers have not at least let the guy know that they know what he has been doing and voice their opinion on the matter. As time goes by, her boyfriend, when he is being good, helps her in many ways, does nice things for her and shows his better side around my family. I think my father and brothers think that I have exaggerated about how bad this guy is. I think they have the "he could be better, but he could be worse" attitude. This is really upsetting to me. I don't know how much longer I can just stand by and watch these things happen to her. When I try to say or do something about it, it just puts distance between us, and I don't want that because I love her with all my heart, she is my best friend. Something has got to be done about this situation before he kills her. I feel like climbing to the top of a mountain and screaming for help until someone hears me! My family is convinced that saying anything to her or her boyfriend will only push her that much closer to him. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?

wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/8/2000:

Anonymous:

I really appreciate your love for your sister. And I can certainly understand your wanting to scream about this.

I'm sure that the other experts have given you good responses and I don't want to be repetitive. But please allow me to give a few sidelights.

Most abusers will show a good face to friends and relatives.....especially the abused relatives! Overall, there are some things that are in common with most abusers of this type.

First is ISOLATION! They need to isolate the abused from their support group, from possible remedies, etc. This isolation occurs in several ways. They will be the nice guy with friends and relatives. They will make the abused the person with the problem. They will work on the abused self-image. And they will make the friend or relative who knows the problem the bad person as well. They will try to turn the abused against anyone who would try to aid them. And....turn the others involved against that person. In otherwords, will try to isolate that person from the ability to be of help.

Second. They will go through cycles. After the abuse usually comes the nice guy who just loves the abused person. "Sorry" and "never do this again" roll off their lips very easily.

Thirdly, they will create an environment in which the abused has less and less options. Marrage is one of those options! Isolating them financially is another.

Fourth. They will threaten to hurt friends, relatives, children, etc. if the abused tries to get out.

This leaves the abused isolated and very confused.

What is your role in this? You already know that you can't force your sister. She is the key. Until she makes the decisions to remedy, you will be continually isolated from her.....by him ....and by your sister while she is in denial.

She need two things from you. LOVE! She needs to know that you will always be there for her. And, READINESS! She needs to know that you and others are ready to help the moment she is ready to get help.

But, keep up the relationship with her! As frustrating as it may seem, she needs someone like you not to be isolated from.

What can you do in the meantime to help protect her from serious harm? The abuser needs to know that there are people watching him! And, please don't forget PRAYER! God is certainly aware of this situation and loves your sister, probably more than you do. And He has the power and the will to protect her!

Another thing you can do is to get in touch with your local Abuse Hot Line. I'm don't know what community you are in, but you can usually get information on a Hot-line in your area by contacting the local Health and Welfare Department. If you would respond to this letter and let me know what community you are in I should be able to provide you with those resources. Call them and get yourself educated! Learn all that you can and be ready with the resources when she becomes ready to deal with it.

God Bless you,

William

The average rating for this answer is 5.

Anonymous rated this answer a 5.

Excellent advice William. Everything you said is very true and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I will try the Hotline. Any words of encouragement they can give me will be of help, as your words were. Thanks again.