Anonymous asked this question on 4/7/2000:

Hi all, I have a problem and I would love some input from the experts here, before I totally lose my mind. Here's my situation; To be as brief as possible, I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me. Our mother was killed in a horrific car accident when I was 13 and my sister was only 3 years old. My sister is a very beautiful girl, just finishing her last year in college, very loving and giving, active in her church and community. Don't get me wrong, she is not a perfect angel, but she is a very good person, a person who always sees the good in everyone and would never harm anything or anyone. For the past year she has been dating a guy that seemed to be alright. Our father and our 4 brothers (all older than her), and I, thought he seemed like the average guy and didn't have a problem with him. One day she was mad at him and opened up to me and told me that he had been abusing her. The things she told me that he has done to her are some pretty serious things. Some made my stomach turn. Aside from the horrible physical abuse, he has her convinced that she is ugly and a total tramp and no one else will ever have her. He knows that I know what he has been up to, so he tries to keep her from spending any time with me. I was honestly sick after hearing about these terrible things that he has done to her. Believe me when I say the things he has done to her are sick and disgusting,(ranging from head-butting her trying to knock her unconcious to stomping on her face and stomach), and that's not even the worst of it. I was so angry at him and begged her to leave him alone. At the time she was mad at him and agreed to. She asked me to promise not to tell anyone. I knew that would be a promise I could never keep. Things like this HAVE to be talked about or someone could wind up getting killed. A couple of days later she was back with him and everything was lovey dovey again between them. She no longer wanted to talk about the abuse and even said that she wished she had never told me. She said that he is a great guy and she is going to marry him and he will get some help for his "little problem", and everything will be wonderful. I told my father and brothers. Their initial reaction was to go and phisically harm the guy. Then they decided that saying or doing anything would only push her closer to him. When I try to bring up the subject to her about leaving him, she clams up and gets mad and won't talk to me for days. I am convinced I need to keep the lines of communication open with her, so I have had to try and not say anything to her, but it is killing me to be quiet about this! I am angry that my father and brothers have not at least let the guy know that they know what he has been doing and voice their opinion on the matter. As time goes by, her boyfriend, when he is being good, helps her in many ways, does nice things for her and shows his better side around my family. I think my father and brothers think that I have exaggerated about how bad this guy is. I think they have the "he could be better, but he could be worse" attitude. This is really upsetting to me. I don't know how much longer I can just stand by and watch these things happen to her. When I try to say or do something about it, it just puts distance between us, and I don't want that because I love her with all my heart, she is my best friend. Something has got to be done about this situation before he kills her. I feel like climbing to the top of a mountain and screaming for help until someone hears me! My family is convinced that saying anything to her or her boyfriend will only push her that much closer to him. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?

tcsmpsi gave this response on 4/8/2000:

There is a natural concern of confronting your sister with the facts and your concerns. As you mentioned about your father and brothers concern of 'pushing her closer to him'. If she is already in denial, then she is already 'close to him'. If he is abusing her in this manner, as far as to stomp her in the face, then this is an immediately dangerous problem. 'Letting her find her own path' so to speak is inviting her serious bodily injury or death. This no time to be concerned with her future relationships, as she may very possibly not live to have any. You already have shown that you have a pretty good knowledge of her abuse, and some of the behavioral issues which go with that. Try to get her to speak with someone else about the abuse. A shelter, or other viable victim intervention person or group.

As I mentioned earlier, if you have any evidence of her physical abuse, then consider STRONGLY reporting it to authorities. Personally, I think your father could have a serious talk with the man. I would. Explain to him quite factually his options. And encourage him to seek help. It is not demeaning to seek help. It is necessary. If all your family's intervention does 'push her away', even to the point of her 'running off' with him to some other place, then she is lost anyhow. Quite frankly, that is one of the major reasons we have such a problem with abuse today. We allow it. tcsmpsi

The average rating for this answer is 5.

Anonymous rated this answer a 5.

You are right, we do allow it when we don't speak up. I will continue to make this an issue until something is done about it. Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it very much.