Anonymous asked this question on 4/7/2000:

Hi all, I have a problem and I would love some input from the experts here, before I totally lose my mind. Here's my situation; To be as brief as possible, I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me. Our mother was killed in a horrific car accident when I was 13 and my sister was only 3 years old. My sister is a very beautiful girl, just finishing her last year in college, very loving and giving, active in her church and community. Don't get me wrong, she is not a perfect angel, but she is a very good person, a person who always sees the good in everyone and would never harm anything or anyone. For the past year she has been dating a guy that seemed to be alright. Our father and our 4 brothers (all older than her), and I, thought he seemed like the average guy and didn't have a problem with him. One day she was mad at him and opened up to me and told me that he had been abusing her. The things she told me that he has done to her are some pretty serious things. Some made my stomach turn. Aside from the horrible physical abuse, he has her convinced that she is ugly and a total tramp and no one else will ever have her. He knows that I know what he has been up to, so he tries to keep her from spending any time with me. I was honestly sick after hearing about these terrible things that he has done to her. Believe me when I say the things he has done to her are sick and disgusting,(ranging from head-butting her trying to knock her unconcious to stomping on her face and stomach), and that's not even the worst of it. I was so angry at him and begged her to leave him alone. At the time she was mad at him and agreed to. She asked me to promise not to tell anyone. I knew that would be a promise I could never keep. Things like this HAVE to be talked about or someone could wind up getting killed. A couple of days later she was back with him and everything was lovey dovey again between them. She no longer wanted to talk about the abuse and even said that she wished she had never told me. She said that he is a great guy and she is going to marry him and he will get some help for his "little problem", and everything will be wonderful. I told my father and brothers. Their initial reaction was to go and phisically harm the guy. Then they decided that saying or doing anything would only push her closer to him. When I try to bring up the subject to her about leaving him, she clams up and gets mad and won't talk to me for days. I am convinced I need to keep the lines of communication open with her, so I have had to try and not say anything to her, but it is killing me to be quiet about this! I am angry that my father and brothers have not at least let the guy know that they know what he has been doing and voice their opinion on the matter. As time goes by, her boyfriend, when he is being good, helps her in many ways, does nice things for her and shows his better side around my family. I think my father and brothers think that I have exaggerated about how bad this guy is. I think they have the "he could be better, but he could be worse" attitude. This is really upsetting to me. I don't know how much longer I can just stand by and watch these things happen to her. When I try to say or do something about it, it just puts distance between us, and I don't want that because I love her with all my heart, she is my best friend. Something has got to be done about this situation before he kills her. I feel like climbing to the top of a mountain and screaming for help until someone hears me! My family is convinced that saying anything to her or her boyfriend will only push her that much closer to him. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?

rainbowlady gave this response on 4/8/2000:

Unfortunately, there is NOTHING you can do, except to document what your sister told you in the event that something DOES happen to her and charges need to be filed against this guy. One of the things that abuse does to the victim is to take away their choices: beatings are not done by their choice, the verbal assaults are not their choice, etc. You need to empower your sister in whatever manner you can. If she's thinking about getting a haircut and asks you whether she should do it, list the pros and cons of doing it, but tell her that she's the best one to make that decision for her, not you. Any chance you get, reinforce that thought: that she IS capable of making decisions that are right for her. For most women who are abused, they actually LEAVE the relationship (not just walk out of the house for a few hours, but actually end the relationship and go to a shelter, etc.) FIVE TO SEVEN TIMES before they make that final break. The pattern you describe in your sister is typical for abusers. Maybe you could suggest that the two of you become volunteers at a women's shelter. I know in most states that requires training, which will point out to her what this abuse is doing to her-- if she'll even agree to go. If nothing else, YOU can take the training to find out how to best help your sister. YOu can also call your local women's shelter to find out what options are available in your area, but I'm afraid that they're going to tell you the same thing I have: until your sister decides that she's had enough, there's nothing you can do unless you actually witness some abuse. Then you can call the police (with or without her consent) and there will at least be a record of DV against the guy, but if you do it over her protests, chances are she'll cut YOU out of her life rather than him. And you can't be the one to file charges, unless the abuse happens in your home and some of your possessions are damaged. And if she doesn't want you to call the police, she's not going to press charges.

Your best bet in this situation, as painful as it may be for you, is to simply be there to support your sister in whatever manner you can. DOCUMENT your conversations about abuse with her. That means write them down in a journal as soon as you have the time to do so. Write dates and times of the conversations. It doesn't have to be verbatim, just what was discussed and any injuries/abuse she told you about. You also need to educate your father and brothers about the effects of abuse. For this, you may be able to get some pamphlets or something from your local women's shelter. You can also check out my pages on DV at http://www.geocities.com/~rainbowstar/sp/domvio.html

I wish there was something mroe I could tell you to do. But there's not...If it's okay with you, I'll keep you and your sister in my thoughts.

Love and Light, Rainbowlady

The average rating for this answer is 5.

Anonymous rated this answer a 5.

Excellent advice, and I agree that my father and brothers should be educated a bit, the phamplets were a great idea. Also, my sister is just the type of person who would be interested in a job such as volunteering to help others, volunteering at the shelter is an idea that I am going to try and act on. Thanks again for your help. I really appreciate it.