Anonymous asked this question on 4/7/2000:

Hi all, I have a problem and I would love some input from the experts here, before I totally lose my mind. Here's my situation; To be as brief as possible, I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me. Our mother was killed in a horrific car accident when I was 13 and my sister was only 3 years old. My sister is a very beautiful girl, just finishing her last year in college, very loving and giving, active in her church and community. Don't get me wrong, she is not a perfect angel, but she is a very good person, a person who always sees the good in everyone and would never harm anything or anyone. For the past year she has been dating a guy that seemed to be alright. Our father and our 4 brothers (all older than her), and I, thought he seemed like the average guy and didn't have a problem with him. One day she was mad at him and opened up to me and told me that he had been abusing her. The things she told me that he has done to her are some pretty serious things. Some made my stomach turn. Aside from the horrible physical abuse, he has her convinced that she is ugly and a total tramp and no one else will ever have her. He knows that I know what he has been up to, so he tries to keep her from spending any time with me. I was honestly sick after hearing about these terrible things that he has done to her. Believe me when I say the things he has done to her are sick and disgusting,(ranging from head-butting her trying to knock her unconcious to stomping on her face and stomach), and that's not even the worst of it. I was so angry at him and begged her to leave him alone. At the time she was mad at him and agreed to. She asked me to promise not to tell anyone. I knew that would be a promise I could never keep. Things like this HAVE to be talked about or someone could wind up getting killed. A couple of days later she was back with him and everything was lovey dovey again between them. She no longer wanted to talk about the abuse and even said that she wished she had never told me. She said that he is a great guy and she is going to marry him and he will get some help for his "little problem", and everything will be wonderful. I told my father and brothers. Their initial reaction was to go and phisically harm the guy. Then they decided that saying or doing anything would only push her closer to him. When I try to bring up the subject to her about leaving him, she clams up and gets mad and won't talk to me for days. I am convinced I need to keep the lines of communication open with her, so I have had to try and not say anything to her, but it is killing me to be quiet about this! I am angry that my father and brothers have not at least let the guy know that they know what he has been doing and voice their opinion on the matter. As time goes by, her boyfriend, when he is being good, helps her in many ways, does nice things for her and shows his better side around my family. I think my father and brothers think that I have exaggerated about how bad this guy is. I think they have the "he could be better, but he could be worse" attitude. This is really upsetting to me. I don't know how much longer I can just stand by and watch these things happen to her. When I try to say or do something about it, it just puts distance between us, and I don't want that because I love her with all my heart, she is my best friend. Something has got to be done about this situation before he kills her. I feel like climbing to the top of a mountain and screaming for help until someone hears me! My family is convinced that saying anything to her or her boyfriend will only push her that much closer to him. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me?

Help4U1 gave this response on 4/8/2000:

Hi to you also...I understand you're pain in this situation and your wanting to stop this before someone gets seriously hurt or killed. Abusers of this kind will often show their "good side" to other people to fool other people.

Although your intentions are good in wanting to help your sister unfortunately until she sees the abuse for what it is and how it is affecting her not much can be done except as you say to keep the lines of communication open. When she does open up to you you can be there to listen, offer support and give her information on where to get help. It will be up to her on what to do.

Unfortunately through his verbal abuse he has pretty much convinced her into believing what he says is true. These people have a control problem that can literally destroy a person's self-esteem. She may also be fearful of what he will do to her or other family members.

If you can get some lierature concerning abuse from a shelter the next time she opens up to you about this maybe you can sit with her and discuss it but keep in mind that you will have to be careful in discussing this with her as these discussions will have to be handled gently and carefully as too much pressure may close off all communication.

I admire your desire in recognizing what a terrible situation this is and I hope I have been able to help you in some way. This abuse and damage has occured over a period of time and it will take time to resolve.

I wish all of you the very best.

The average rating for this answer is 4.7.

Anonymous rated this answer a 5.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read about mysituation and offering your advice. I appreciate it.