Anonymous asked this question on 4/6/2000:

When does critisim become emotional, verbal, and/or mental abuse? I'm a grown woman with a mother who I can't stand. I'ma trim 5'6" 115. I gained 15 last year and was berated constantly about how I was getting fat. I'm still a size 4 she's been a 16 or more my whole life. I'm lazy and unmotivated although I work 60 hours a week at a profesional job. I'm a failure and disappointment even though I'm a high earner and have a graduate degree. She's never had a job in her life, had to go to summer school to finish high school and has literally slept her life away. I've never been good enough, it's suprising I have any self esteem at all. My other sister has moved across country to get away from her and rarely calls. I live in the same town and run into her often, but not on purpose. She bad mouths me to my relatives who have the impression I'm a bum. Is this abuse?

wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/6/2000:

Anonymous:

This sound very familiar to me. My mother did the same thing to me and it affected me the very same way. In fact, this is why I got into counseling in the first place.

You certainly know that you are not what your mother is claiming you are. However, this IS your mother. Many parents don't realize just how important their opinion matters to their children. If it was just someone you knew, it wouldn't be as important. You probably wouldn't worry about it. but....this is your mother!

So what should you do? I would suggest that a good healthy discussion with your mother is in order. However, you should realize that this is more for you than for your mother. She, most likely won't change that much. But you need her to hear how she's hurting you.

Since this is probably because she doesn't feel good about herself, she would have to change her own concept of herself, and you don't seem to believe that will happen.

However, you need to have a good healthy talk with someone else. Yourself! You need to spend more time considering who you really are, and not be so concerned about who your mother says you are. And, most likely, your mother knows who you really are as well. But to admit it would be admitting her own sense of failure and would be difficult to do

May I suggest that you do what I did. I learned to love my mother! I tried in every way, especially with patience, to show her love and forgiveness. There wasn't a lot that she showed on the outside, but, secretly she would brag to others about me. Love can cover a multitude of evils! (that's from the Bible, by the way)

You can't isolate yourself from her....even by moving away. So....try a little love....with yourself...and with her.

William

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