bubble0@... asked this question on 4/3/2000:

I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?, I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?

jellygator gave this response on 4/6/2000:

It's both violent and abusive.

His logic seems to be, "The house is a mess so I will make it worse and that will fix the problem." As you can see, it doesn't fix anything. (I once had a boyfriend who thought my shorts were too short, so he ripped them off my body while we were in public!) Did he feel better? Well, he felt powerful.

Intimidation and power are at the basis of this. He got that, especially when he leaves you to clean up the mess and you agree to do it.

I think you have plenty to fear. I imagine that besides the things you describe here, you've also heard that you're unfaithful. There are certain things that seem to occur in abusive relationships all the time, including accusations of infidelity, isolating the "abused" from their family, friends, and community by taking car keys, phones, discouraging get-togethers, and so on. He probably has a split second just before he "loses control" when he gets utterly calm. (It has been shown that prior to such events, blood pressure drops, indicating that it isn't a matter of "losing control" but of settling on a plan.) If nothing is done and this continues, it could escalate to a point of life-threatening, and could involve your children.

Rage produces an adrenaline rush that can be addictive. When emotion runs high, logic cannot be high also, yet he prevents you from leaving the situation for a time out.

You are a part of this also. By cleaning up the messes, you give him permission to act as he does without facing any consequences. Your emotion probably runs high, too, when these things occur.

Please seek counseling for yourself. After a blow-up, when he is feeling remorse and making all those promises (known as the honeymoon stage), he might even agree to attend. Without assistance, the honeymoon stage that's pleasant will become shorter and shorter, and the blowups more frequent and more violent.

The average rating for this answer is 5.