capntom asked this question on 4/3/2000:

Evening Xperts,I was just wondering, it appears to me that there seems to be a large segment of the people who ask us questions are women with abusive boyfriends or husbands. My question is why do women insist in staying in abusive enviroments. My job during the day is working in a Salvation Army Shelter as the director of security with A daily flow of 1100 clients, it boggles my mind when i watch these women get tormented by their mates, Yet they stay and take it

snowbird gave this response on 4/3/2000:

CapnTom

How you made it to the Captain level with the Salvation Army with your attitude makes me question of how good the Salvation Army is in your area.

Victims of abuse are just that victims. The prepetrators of this abuse have a hold over their victims just like the bottle has a hold of an alcoholic.

Victims are afraid of what they might find after they leave the prepetrator, because most victims have known little else and most have been told all their lives that they are worthless. With no self esteem whatsoever, how do you expect them to know otherwise unless someone shows them. And, I can see from what you said that you won't be the one that shows them.

My wife, of the last fourteen years, was one of those victims for most of her life. She is now a survivor, but still those thoughts of worthlessness enter her mind now and then, but I try my best to show her what she is worth and can do. She was almost 50 when she finally had the courage to go back to school and get her GED. She, also, worked with veterans as a hospital service coordinator for the Disabled American Veterans for 2 years until her physical problems got the best of her. Why did she do those things? Because someone took the time and effort to teach her her own self worth.

If you will look at some of my other answers in this and other categories, you will see the value we have for others and how much we are out to help others better themselves. You might not like what you see as may others who read this and other responses. That is too bad, because all we are trying to do is use our experience and backgrounds to build others up and only look down on them, because we are trying to pick them up.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me at any time.

Blessings

Paul

capntom asked this follow-up question on 4/5/2000:

Sir, I need to know why You felt that You needed to insult me, This is really bothering me. All i asked was a simple question, you took it upon yourself to berate me WHY?. did you bother to read the thirty other responces to my question

snowbird gave this response on 4/5/2000:

capntom I did not read where you were insulted. The question you asked was answered, and answered with tact.

The other answers were read, and may I say, I was very upset with them. Some made me feel like a victim all over again. FYI I am a survivor of some of the worst kind of abuse a woman can go through. I will not go into detail for the simple fact that I am afraid you men will make fun and say it was all my fault.

You wanted a woman's view point as to why we women keep going back to the abuse. You are going to get the answer you are looking for, and you may not like it, but is is what you asked.

As you were told, I was a victim of abuse almost my whole life. When I was between three and four, my mother's father molested me. My mother never knew, because I didn't know until I wrote my book. Maybe you can not understand how my writing a book brought it out and I had no knowledge of it before. Do you know that one incident patterned my life?

As a small child, I felt that I was not good enough for my wonderful family. As I grew, so did the feeling. It was nothing that my family did because they were a wonderful family, i just felt that I did not belong. As I grew older, I knew I should not feel that way, but I could not change the way I felt because I did not know why I felt that way. I know you cannot understand the feelings of a very young girl when she feels like she is dirty and should not be with this family of wonderful people.

The first marriage I was in was very abusive and I felt that I deserved every bit of the abuse. I somehow felt that being abused was what I knew best. Believe me, I sure did not like the abuse, but it felt like I should be punished for something and I was being punished. It is so hard to describe the feelings that we go through. We feel worthless, dirty, like we did something to cause these so called men to do these things to us. Yes, I did say SO CALLED MEN. Real men respect women. I finally got enough courage to leave the first marraige. He threatened to kill my family if I left. I believed him! Why? Good question. Maybe it is due to the fact that these peratrators make believers out of their victims. If you have never been victimized then you will never know how we feel. The hopelessness, the pain, afraid to speak for fear of getting beat, the lose of a child when he throws you down flights of steps.

The second marriage, I, also, patterned after the abuse I suffered at the hands of a pervert. Another abusive marriage. Except this one was a lot worse than the first one. But, with this one I, also, felt that that was all I was good for. I finally tried to kill myself. That thought was not in my mind, but nevertheless, I tried to take the easy way out. No one will ever know everything that went on in that marriage. Although I am a survivor, I am ashamed to tell everything that I went through.

So why do we always go back to the abuser? Because, you men make us feel like you are the only kind that will ever want us. Well why not, you have told us often enough that we are no good and no one but you will want us. You have brow beat us into believing everything you say. We are terrified of what you will do to us if we try to leave and you find us. I wish just one time the tables could be turned and you men find could find out for yourselves why we keep going back. It has nothing to do with money or security, like some of the answers stated. We are afraid of being killed if we do not go back, or worse, we are afraid of you killikg innocent people, our families.

If you want more infomation, I can have my daughter in law write and tell you how she feels. She is 20 and was raped several years ago. It made her feel dirty and useless. Because of that one incedent, she almost did not marry our son. We love her and it would have been a shame if she had not married our son. It took a dirty mind and a sick pervert to damage this young girl. Now I have a question, WHY DON'T YOU MEN GO PICK A STREET WALKER AND LEAVE THE INNOCENT ALONE???????? Blessings Esther Hays

capntom asked this follow-up question on 4/5/2000:

Sir/Mam, the first line of your reply is an insult,

The average rating for this answer is 1.6.

capntom rated this answer a 1.

I take your responce as an insult, i was asking and just looking for a women point of view on this subject, I wasn't looking to have you insult me