capntom asked this question on 4/3/2000:

Evening Xperts,I was just wondering, it appears to me that there seems to be a large segment of the people who ask us questions are women with abusive boyfriends or husbands. My question is why do women insist in staying in abusive enviroments. My job during the day is working in a Salvation Army Shelter as the director of security with A daily flow of 1100 clients, it boggles my mind when i watch these women get tormented by their mates, Yet they stay and take it

wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/4/2000:

Capntom:

Good question.....and, unfortunately an old question. There are many many women being abused and still stay in the relationship.

Most abusers choose there partners from women they can dominate. They rarely choose someone who is strong-willed or self-assured.

Then, they manipulate these partners into a position of dependency....dependency upon them.

And a very insidious part of their manipulation comes in the form of isolation. Isolating there partner from family or friends or from means of support. Often they create a life-style that the partner would be reluctant to leave.

Thirdly there is domination! Domination with words, threats, physical abuse and even sexual abuse!

They, also, often try to make their partner feel guilty if they protest or say anything about the abuse. And they try to make it their partners fault. "I wouldn't be doing this if you didn't make me.....".

And, by the way, it is not just men who abuse. Many women are abusers. However, their abuse is harder to address and is very insidious.

But, the answer is always the same. You can't help the abuser by staying in that relationship. The abuser has to get professional help and they rarely do while still in that relationship. Most won't get help until they are forced either by circumstances, or loss, or by the court system.

It is a very sad situation, but not without remedies. There are many agencies that can and will come to their aid. The abuser has to make a decision to stop the circle of abuse and get the help for themselves.

Thanks for your concern. Hope this helps you.

William Nelson

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