bubble0@... asked this question on 4/3/2000:

I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?, I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?

miaphillips gave this response on 4/4/2000:

Get out now. You have everything to be worried about. This guy has real problems and he sounds like he is insecure and maybe has been feeling like he has lost control over some part of his life (usually work). If you care anything for your children's safety as well as your own honey, you'll leave. No man has the right to be violent, especially in front of children. And this is not something you want to submit your children to. If you continue to let this happen, your self esteem and confidence will deteriorate so much that soon, you won't even have the guts to ask someone for help. Be proud that you have done so here. I have been in a similar situation, maybe not as bad as yours, but believe me - this can only get worse. Having said that, I am assuming that you still care for him otherwise you wouldn't still be there. Don't think with your emotions, think with your instincts. Get help, call your family or friends, anybody you can trust. Even better call Womens Refuge or something similar that you may have in your country. Think of the table, think of the fridge and the trashed house. Now think of your face. Think of your childrens' faces. You don't want that to happen to any of you. Be strong and know that I am praying for you. Fight to survive! If you would like further advice, please contact me thru this website.

miaphillips gave this response on 4/4/2000:

I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE TO GET OUT NOW!! You are not provoking him or causing him to behave like this. DON'T YOU DARE BLAME YOURSELF!! This so called man is a bloody lunatic and he is definitely psychotic! Abusive men want women to think that it is their fault. For years I have put up with abusive men and it's because I think that I can't live without them, and you know what - that's exactly what they wanted me to think. It's worse when the violence and abuse isn't everyday because it get's to the point where you don't know whether you are coming or going. This guy is playing ping pong with your head. You see in this way, his hold over you is more stronger because you think, 'well, he could change, I'll just wait'. It is so much more easier to stay. I know that you are not defending him. You want help and that is the first step. This man is a danger to everyone and a time bomb waiting to explode. One of my boyfriends would yank the phone out of the wall when we fought just so I couldn't call for help. He would physically stop me from leaving the house which for some stupid, stupid reason I really wanted him to. He picked up my child one day (he's not the father) and shook her. My then 4 year old child was trying to protect me from his blows and his yelling. I lept over the bed and grabbed the first thing I saw which was a wire hanger and slashed his arm. The instinct to protect my child was so strong that I didn't care that his arm bled profusely. But still I stayed with this bastard. My child (who is 8 yrs old) now thinks I am not capable of looking after myself. I know she thinks that I am a weak person although she would never say so. Her confidence in herself is zero, and I'm not surprised with me for a role mode. I also have a goddaughter who was beaten by her step father with a baseball bat a few years ago. Her mother also couldn't put pants on her for days. And there have been many, many other incidents. Her mother is still with this man - 8 years on, and my goddaughter now hates her mother and resents her for allowing this to happen and continually happen, we her family have tried everything to intervene but they ended up leaving the country. You are sending the wrong message to your children. They will grow up thinking that it is o.k to do this. They will grow up to think that it is o.k and normal for this to be done to them. As a mother, I'm sure you will not want this to happen to your own children. I urge you to be strong for them. Contact a women's shelter now. And leave. Take nothing with you. You may not have time. Don't worry about where you are going. It will be tough, especially having to set everything up again (I've had to do it at least twice), but believe me the price of material things pales in comparison to the price of your life and your children. Do it now and don't look back. I don't know what the police are like in your country, but here in New Zealand they are pretty good and are very sympathetic towards abused mothers and children. They do everything they can to help these families. Be strong for yourself and most of all be strong for the children. GET OUT NOW while you still can. You wanted advice, you now have it - GO, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Don't hesitate and let him stuff your head up more. YOU CAN DO IT! DO IT NOW!!! And please let me know how it goes. I won't be able to sleep a wink until I know that you are safe. You and your children are in my prayers. KIA KAHA (it means stand strong).

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