bubble0@... asked this question on 4/3/2000:

I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?, I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?

tcsmpsi gave this response on 4/4/2000:

To answer your question forthright, YES you do have reason for genuine concern. It will get worse. For whatever reason, he is feeling trapped and the more he is feeling trapped, the more he will leash out. Once the rage of that becomes physical, it is only a matter of time that the physical aggression will come in contact with you and perhaps the children. Unless, that is, that we can find something to re focus the energy which he is transforming into rage. There is help available. Most every area has help available without charge. We are finding more all the time that this is becoming more a viable and real help, more so than that which charges fees. Now, that he will accept help, is another matter. The beginning is with an argument, right? Work on 'not arguing'. As an example, sometimes when it has been a very long day and I may not be as patient as I should, I may say something with a 'frown'. My wife with a smile will tell me, "Kiss my butt". I do not know him, and it is difficult to say much of his particular personality, but he is obviously having problems dealing with something. Try to understand and empathize with him. From what you say, it would seem that you would like to keep your family together. Contact me if you would like to talk about this further.

bubble0@... asked this follow-up question on 4/4/2000:

The beginnings don't always start with an argument.There are times he comes home with this rampage and doesn't stop until he's done throwing things around,breaking things and starting an argument and leaving for a few hours and coming back as if nothing happened.He won't even talk about it.He refuses to get help swearing he doesn't need it,regaurdless of what he has done.I've tried putting my self in his shoes but it is difficult when I don't know where his shoes are.He won't talk to me about hardly anything let alone what is causing his anger.

tcsmpsi gave this response on 4/4/2000:

Ok. Well, if he won't accept help, and you seem pretty sure that he will not accept that he has a problem, then that really only leaves one alternative. And that is, to leave. This is much harder for me to say than it looks. I know there is nothing easy about leaving. The problem is, if he does hit you, we don't know how far he will go before he stops. Neither does he. And it may include the children too. Have you mentioned leaving? Or, is that something that you think you might be able to do? Do you have a shelter in your area? In short, if he is breaking things, you and the children are in danger. Especially since he has already said that he would hit you. Regardless, I will talk with you whatever you decide if you want. Michael