capntom asked this question on 4/3/2000:

Evening Xperts,I was just wondering, it appears to me that there seems to be a large segment of the people who ask us questions are women with abusive boyfriends or husbands. My question is why do women insist in staying in abusive enviroments. My job during the day is working in a Salvation Army Shelter as the director of security with A daily flow of 1100 clients, it boggles my mind when i watch these women get tormented by their mates, Yet they stay and take it

trii gave this response on 4/4/2000:

I will tell you why; I've walked in those shoes, and I know it's hard to understand if you haven't been there. I was one of those women that proclaimed that if a man was ever abusive to me, he'd be out the door in a heartbeat. Well, I was wrong. It's easy to say when it's not happening to you, but when the shoe is on the other foot, it is very different. Women stay because of fear and lack of self-esteem. Abusers maintain control of their victims, for lack of a better term, through disorientation, isolation and promises of change. Abusers are very similar to those who run POW camps. They wear you down to the point of hopelessness. They strive to keep her off balance and blame the abuse on the behavior of the woman. They wear down one's self-esteem to the point where she believes she is responsible for the abuse; that she can't do any better than him. There are also economic factors to consider. Many abusers control the money. By doing this, they keep their victim on a tight leash and instill the fear that they can't make it on their own. Especially when there are kids to care for. They isolate the woman from friends and family to keep the abuse secret and to prevent someone from helping her get out. They do this by controlling whom she sees, talks to, where she goes, etc... Many abusers refuse to let the woman hold a job; keeping her from having the skills and money to leave and make it on her own. Then there are the threats of physical violence or even death if she tries to leave. And they will threaten even their own children in this way. How many times have you heard on the news of a woman leaving her abusive partner, just to be tracked down and murdered? The police don't always offer adequate protection of victims of domestic violence; failing to take threats against the woman seriously. The cycle continues in that women fail to press charges believing that they will come to further harm, or they get sucked into the abuser's promises of change and repentance. Women that are abused are emotionally messed up by the abuser and without therapy and support they are not likely to be saved. Many women don't know where to get that help and many feel they are alone. Some also feel that they don't have it as bad as some and should feel grateful. Society has also stigmatized abused women and that furthers the likelyhood that she will not seek help. Who wants to be known as a battered woman? It is easier for a homosexual to come out than it is for a battered woman. Then there is the issue of emotional abuse by itself. Some women are abused emotionally and not physically. Whereas this abuse seems to many as less severe, it is more so. The reason being that you can prove physical abuse; it can be seen in the form of injury, but emotional abuse only leaves scars that no one else can see. More isolation results. So you see, it's not an easy road to ho. These women need support from everywhere. Few are willing to give it because they don't understand it and ask the same question as you have...Why stay?

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capntom rated this answer a 5.