Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

trii gave this response on 4/4/2000:

Unfortunately, it isn't likely that he will change. The reason for this is that he really doesn't see that his behavior is wrong. He is very typical, as far as abusers go. Abuse works in a cycle. First the honeymoon stage, where everything is great. Then comes the abusive behavior. After that, comes the apology stage and finally you complete the cycle by returning to the honeymoon stage. Abusers are control freaks. They control you by keeping you off balance. They mess with your self-esteem and try to make you responsible for their actions. They will tell you all sorts of things to make you think you're the one with the problem; denying things they've said or done, turning the tables on you, even provolking you to be abusive toward them. I survived 14 years of this. How? I left my marriage. This relationship is unhealthy and I urge you to get out of it. You don't deserve to be treated this way ever! You are a person deserving of love and respect. You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR! Seek out help for yourself as well. Contact your local battered women's association. You are not alone and should not go through this alone. There is help out there and lots of women that are in your shoes. You can't change him, but you can change your life by ridding yourself of him. Remember, you can only change your life, not someone elses. You need to empower yourself to give yourself a better life. Take care of you, you can't take care of him.

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