bubble0@... asked this question on 4/3/2000:

I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?, I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?

yourfriend gave this response on 4/4/2000:

YES! YES! YES!, You have everything and every right to fear him. If he says he would hit you then in time he will. The throwing and breaking of things, taking away your keys, and threats, are all considered domestic violence, he can be arrested for it. And that may actually be what he needs. If any man threatens or intimidates you then it is violence. And abuse. No one male or female deserve to feel fear of the ones they love. There is enough fear of the unknown from the public. When you are at home, you should feel safe, and free to be yourself, You should also remember your children are growing up with this type of behavior which tells them it is normal for when they grow up and have someone do this to them. One sure way to know , is when this occurs, ask yourself this,"Would it be ok, if this was one of my children" I bet you answer no. Just as it is not ok for it to happen to you. You may not be a child , but you are a human being, and deserve to be treated with love , respect, and security. His violent outbursts are getting worse, which means at any one moment instead of breaking or throwing something, it could be aimed at you, and you could be the one who ends up bruiesed and battered. I cannot tell you to leave him, because it is always easier said then done, but you do want to think about this before you or your children get hurt. If you chose to stay, we at the shelters, tell woman to have a second escape plan, meaning, hide and extra set of keys to the vehicle somewhere that only you know where they are, find a keyword, meaning if you need help, then when talking to someone a close relative or friend you share a word, that when you say it to them they know there is trouble and can call for help. Always have money set aside, for when you do leave, and also hid some personal belongings, that you will need if you leave in an emergency , such as clothes, toys , medicines, whatever you will need to survive. This can be hidden at a friends, relatives, or a neighbor. Don't stand quiet about this. You need to let someone close to you know what is happening so they can help you when the time comes. You will eventually feel the strength to go, and your selfesteem will eventually also build back up. Many times, in these situations the abusers will take away your self esteem and strength, but it will come back, and you will discover that you are a good person, who deserves only good. I also would like to remind you that there are alot of shelters that would happily help and take in you and your children , for free. they offer counseling, and a warm place of safety. Use them , thats what we here at the volunteers in the shelter are here for. To help you. My best wishes to you.

p.s. at the shelters they will never tell you that you are wrong for staying they will never judge, and they will never belittle you. In no way, shape or form.

good luck,

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