Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

drpiano gave this response on 4/4/2000:

The biggest mistake that women make is to try and makeover their men. It seldom works. Accepting a man who is a different person today than he used to be, is one thing. Thinking a man will someday become a different person than he is today is wishful thinking. As the Good Book says: "By their fruits you shall know them!" My adivce to you is to run, don't walk away from this relationship. You said it best: You deserve better than that. As we said in the '60's, "...bet your sweet patootie!" I am so sick of abusive males, I want to hit them upside the head every time I meet one. Why would a man hurt a woman? Only if, deep down, he is mean to the bone. Leave. Leave quickly. Save yourself.

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