bubble0@... asked this question on 4/3/2000:

I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?, I have a boyfriend of 3yrs.We have 4 girls(2 were from a previous marriage)2 years ago he would start to have angry eppisodes,pick an argument with me and take away my car keys(fearing that i would leave)These eppisodes happen every couple of months.However they are progressivly getting worse.Our last argument started because he couldn't find his hat and our house was a mess(our oldest child is 4yrs old and our youngest is 5 mnths old).I have a very difficult time keeping the house clean between him and the girls.anyway to make a long story short he trashed the entire house.He broke some vcr tapes,a granite tabletop(with everything still on it,including our dinner)Even the inside of the refridgerator suffered damage.I was left to clean up a huge mess.he also threatened to hit me.Last night he again threatened to hit me after we had a disagrement.He left and later came back,and i asked him if he would ever actaully hit me.He said that he would(he didn't even have to think about the question before he answered it)After giving this brief dialog of my situation do I have anything to fear of him or am I worried over nothing?

romanbeef gave this response on 4/3/2000:

From my experience at my job, i would look at it from the outside. It may be a little hard being the one that is actually involved but it can be done. Think of how you would feel if you saw this happeneing to ... lets say your sister (if you have one) or even a close friend. If you saw a man doing to your friend of sister what he had done to you what would be your first reaction to her. Well if your reaction is along the lines of "hey you better leave before he hurst you" then put your self in your sister's or your friend's place. It is hard to maintain a relationship when one side is abusive. Trust me when I tell you that the beginnig signs are at hand. There is a few responses to this type of behavior. One is the fear of what will happen if there is a break-up or if you would leave. Some women fail to leave abusive relationships because of the fear of the man carrying out on threats. And I'm Not lying, some of them (though a small percentage) do this. Another answer is to stop it before it gets progressively worse. The man in the relationship will keep increasing the amount of violence when he sees that it has an effect that he likes (usually fear and or compliance) there are ways to avoid this type of issue. You can either realize that there is a problem (which is the hardest thing for a woman to do) and leave. or if you want to maintain the relationship with the abusive person, you can go to counseling.

I would recognize the signs of what is before you. Your first clue is that he said that he would hit you. that by any means is wrong. Any loving husband (who is in love with his wife) would never think of doing such a thing. Another thing that you have to think about is your children. what about them? They should never see their parents threaten or hit or seriously argue with each other. it is not good for them. seeing an abusive father or parent can lead them to feel that it is their fault. We know it isn't but It does make them feel that way. if not for that, try it for the safety of their being. Cases have come about where anger has been taken out on the children.

I can go on but think about this and try to make a good decision. I am not in the home with you but from what you are saying. There is a cause for concern. let me know if i can help

beef

romanbeef gave this follow-up answer on 4/4/2000:

Sorry i had forgotten. There are places that provide free assistance that are non-profit organozations. If there is a battered women's shelter in your town or vicinity you should try there. your location will be secluded and your boyfriend will not know where you are. The Police will help. There are certain ways to contact the police without your boyfriend knowing. But when you contact the police be sure that you want to leave. If you want to stay in this relationship calling the police would not hel (at least you when your boyfriend is arrested and returns) I'm sorry for bringing this out but in my line of work, this is how it happens. But on the other hand. If you are ready to leave and protect your children. The police can help.

If the police is not your answer, you can go to either the Battered womens shelter like i had advised or there is some sort of department of family and childrens services that are willing to help. I don't know what state you live in but they are there. And there is financial assistance available to you by the government. If you work or not. You can be eligable for food stamps or welfare benefits. For a struggling parent there is no shame in asking for assistance. You would be suprised who is out there to help you. try and build up the courage and dignity to save yourself and the children. I know it is hard. it always is. but the thing is if you do not want to do it for yourself, do it for the child that had been hit by your boyfriend. that child along with the other three deserves a happy upbringing. you can provide that. but when there is abuse involved, the child sees nothing but abger and hate from him and feels that it is ok to do that when he/she grows up.

I will pray for you let me know

beef