Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

wwnelsonfive11 gave this response on 4/3/2000:

There's one thing I hear over and over again: "When he's not abusing me he's really a nice guy." Often the reason he(she) is nice in those non-abusive times is that they need to be seen as "nice". And, very often they are a nice person in many ways. However, there is a tempest brewing underneath that outward appearance. And that tempest is likely to hurt someone.

You've got a pretty good clue as to what you should do. However, it appears that you are hedging a bit in the follow-through. I would suggest that you forget about the book and simply get out of that relationship....completely! Without a clear boundry he's going to continue the abuse and it will become more severe. Let a professional work with him (if he chooses), but you need to help yourself! Please get out now! If you don't, it will be more than your body that will be injured. Your own self-esteem will suffer greatly as well!

And, you should do this very quickly as he has already given you a glimpse of your future with him. He has already hit you. I believe you are going to hear the same thing from all of us. THE ABUSE WILL ONLY GET WORSE! So, please, take care of yourself now.

There are many nice guys who don't abuse. Find one for yourself!

Best wishes for you.

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