Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

courtneysmom gave this response on 4/3/2000:

Please refer to other questions I've answered for further insight into domestic violence. I think you'll find some of that helpful.

As far as your situation goes, there are lots of red flags my dear. Red flags are like warning signs that go off that should serve to warn and prepare you to recognize symptoms of a batterer. It is quite common for a batterer to be gentle and loving one moment and explosive the next. If he is not willing to get counseling, you need to let him go for your own sake. This is serious business. I have personally seen too many women who start off in a relationship like you describe and before you know it the situation has escalated into violence and even death. Unfortunately, the success rates I've seen for treatment are not that great. It is usually more successful if the man has been ordered by the court system to undergo treatment. It has been my experience that this approach has more success than individual counseling. What is going on in your bf's head is hard to pinpoint to one thing. However, some common themes among batterers are: ---he may look at women as possessions ---he may look at you as "his" possession and therefore a symbol of "power" (It's all about power and control) ---he believes HIS girlfriend, HIS money, HIS house, HIS job, HIS car and HER income are all his property. ---he must discipline and control his partner to keep her

---he fears HIS woman will leave him ---he fears HIS woman will tell ---he fears he will lose HIS children ---he fears economic loss ---he fears she will expose him

--he may believe what he is doing is not wrong --he believes he will not get caught --he believes if he does get caught, he'll get out --he believes he can continue to control HIS woman until the end of time because she'd NEVER leave him --he belittles the woman so severely that she has enormous self doubts

Domestic violence is a learned behavior learned through observation, experience and reinforcement; culture; family; and in communities

It is not caused by illness, genetics, substance abuse, out of control behavior, anger, stress, or the behavior of the victim

I hope this has helped you in some way. I wish you all the best. Let me know should you need more support. I really do care. courtneysmom

courtneysmom gave this follow-up answer on 4/3/2000:

Sorry, I forgot to give you the names of a couple of books. "Battered Women and Their Families" by Albert R. Roberts; "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, and "Black and Blue" by Anna Quindlen. This are all informative and good reads. Good luck! courtneysmom

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