capntom asked this question on 4/3/2000:

Evening Xperts,I was just wondering, it appears to me that there seems to be a large segment of the people who ask us questions are women with abusive boyfriends or husbands. My question is why do women insist in staying in abusive enviroments. My job during the day is working in a Salvation Army Shelter as the director of security with A daily flow of 1100 clients, it boggles my mind when i watch these women get tormented by their mates, Yet they stay and take it

courtneysmom gave this response on 4/3/2000:

Even though every situation is different, the reasons why battered women stay with their batterers remain the same. Obviously, the list below is incomplete, and each motive is not operating in each case, but a combination of some of these factors is usually what makes a woman stay. --they "love" him --they fear him, believing him to be almost omnipotent. Often threats are made against her, i.e. he will kill her if she tells; so the police (in her eyes) may offer no real protection (and the majority of deaths relating to domestic violence occur during an attempt to leave) --batterers who are arrested are usually released in a matter of hours and may take revenge on the woman --even if someone else reports it, he may take it out on her --she may be economically dependent on him and sees no alternative but to stay. He often uses money to manipulate her into staying with him (she feels leaving is hopeless) --religious and/or cultural beliefs, or the eyes of society that demand she maintain the "facade" of a good marriage --embarrassment --he is often her only support system (bad as it is) he's all she's got --isolation--he often requires her to have no outside contacts therefore keeping her alienated from friends or family --she often stays for the "sake" of the children, or he may threaten to take the children from her or abuse them also. There is a real possibility that he is already abusing them too --learned helplessness --law enforcement and judicial authorities often do not take battering seriously (although this is slowly changing) --often the men are otherwise highly respected and mild mannered, so her concerns are not taken seriously. Often he is only violent with her and tells her that nobody would believe her as everyone "loves" him so. --she often believes his reasoning, that perhaps she "deserved" the punishment or excuses substance abuse "he didn't know what he was doing" --after a beating, he may be quite gentle, even warm and promises never to do it again. Many battered women describe their abuser as loving when not battering. --she may have lived in a home where her father beat her mother, and accepts it as natural --often women believe that if they "be good" maybe it will stop --many women are ambivalent about their situations --a battered woman's self regard is so poor (he may have told her she is worthless and stupid for yEARS)and she believes it --some women get used to a high-pitched emotional life and are addicted to the intensity of a battering relationship --some women feel that to be with someone (no matter how bad) is better than being alone --fear of loneliness --social stigma --lack of other support systems or no place to go--he also may threaten to harm any perceived supportive persons --some truly don't know they don't deserve to live this way and that they have a right not to be beaten --some believe that outsiders should not be involved in "family" business --many don't want any real change in the relationship, except not to be beaten

In general, abused women are women who have learned abuse as a way of life. It is to be accepted and tolerated. The family is dependent on her to keep it together. She has undergone such severe emotional and physical abuse that she really believes that she cannot make it alone. This fear is very real, especially when she tries to find housing or a job on her own. It is a hard shell to break out of and awareness and education is the key, I believe. To bring happiness and peace into the life of a battered woman is not an easy task for the woman or others trying to help her. I could go on and on and on as I am passionate about this subject and have seen many traumatic cases of domestic violence. I hope this has provided a little insight for you. I'm here should you need more. Thanks for caring to ask the question! courtneysmom --

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