Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

Brandie gave this response on 4/3/2000:

Men in general have been raised to hide their intermost feelings. "being a man means being strong" and this means creating a tough exterior. An abusive man doesn't know how to release pent-up anger other than by brute force. The abuser usually directs his anger at his wife, girlfriend. Abusive men often resist any type of therapy, they sometimes even deny they have a problem. Usually men who abuse have some of the following traits: 1 low self-esteem 2 believe men are superior 3 blame others for "making them act that way" 4 have severe stress reactions 5 they tend to be jealous There is always an element of overkill. When he's good he's great (sends lots of flowers etc) and when he's bad watch out!! You don't know what he is going to do next. Abuse usually increases in severity without treatment. Only the abuser has the power to change his/her self. At least 40% of me who are in programs still continue to abuse. It is hard to break the cycle, te abuser must really want to change and seek a long term program. There are no guarenties he/she will ever change, but admitting "we" have a problem is a small step in the right direction. I hope for your safety and peace of mind you take a good hard look at your relationship with your man. He doesn't want help .... ought t tell you something. Please be safe and think about your well being :)

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