Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

snowbird gave this response on 4/3/2000:

I believe you should get away from your boyfriend before he kills you. I believe that no amount of counseling is going to help him. I feel that he should be on medication. But, if he will not hear your request to go get the medicine or counseling, then you need to get out while you still have your life and some self esteem. I feel that, if you stay with him, it is possible to lose both.

I know from experience how even verbal comments can lower one's self esteem. I, also, nearly lost my life by staying with someone who was very loving and gentle one minute and very violent the next. I felt that I had no choice but to stay since we had kids together and it nearly cost me my life. He kept saying he would change, but it never came. He promised to go get help, he never did. You say that your boyfriend will not listen about getting help, then he does not see that he is doing anything wrong.

You are being abused, but you can get out before he really hurts you. If he has already hit you and grabbed your glasses off your face, he will do worse as time goes by. I agree with you, you do deserve better and need to move on. There are books out there that he can read, but I feel that no amount of reading is going to turn him around. One book that you both can read is 'Boundaries' by Anne Katherine.

Therapy does help some people, but they have to know something is wrong with them before anything will help, then it may take years.

If you have any further questions or just need someone to talk to, please feel free to contact us at any time.

Blessings in whatever you do.

Paul and Esther

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