Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

Help4U1 gave this response on 4/3/2000:

I am sorry for your situation because nobody deserves to be abused either verbally or physically.

You have touched on some good points in your letter. The first being his background and the temperment of his parents. This can influence a child where sometimes it is carried into adulthood. The second is your suggestion that he get counseling. Yes, this can work but only if the person wants to change. He has to recognize his behavior as being destructive before any counseling can work.

I understand you wanting to stay with him because of his other side but by taking him back you are staying in a relationship that is damaging to you and this enables him to continue this behavior. As hard as it will be you must be firm in your decision not to see him unless he attends counseling.

Your local book store will have many books available on abuse and abusers. The local womens shelter will also be able to provide you not only with counseling for you but additional help.

You have the right idea in how you want this relationship to work and in recognizing some very serious problems. I wish you the very best in continuing down the path to heal yourself.

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