Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

tcsmpsi gave this response on 4/3/2000:

At the age 59, he is going to have to WANT to change very sincerely. Frankly, this would be extremely rare, as the first thing he will have to do is to admit to himself that he has a behavioral problem. By your described behavior, he has a very long path to do that. There are some very good books out which describe abusive behavior. Abusive behavior comes from lack of emotional control. Therapy helps one only as much as they wish to help themselves. There is no 'magical cure'. ANYONE who tells you to, "Shut the fuck up" is indicating a very adamant disregard for your personal feeling, and a domineering response to your being. As a human being, you have no need of that in your life. You have every right to life that he does. Allowing that in your life is detrimental to your own being. I know that it is difficult, but you will need to tell him these things and give him the option. Either quit responding to you in this manner, or, quit responding to you at all. Contact me if you need to.

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