Anonymous asked this question on 4/2/2000:

What is going on in my boyfriend's head? On one side, he is very sweet and expressive and tells me he loves me constantly. Then, is explosive, controlling, verbally abusive. For example, spend two days with him and everythings great, then, when he comes to my house to show me answers to my questions on my computer, takes over without letting me show him what I've been doing possibly wrong, so he can explain it the correct way. Suddenly says, "shut the f*** up! Gets angry before I know what's going on, grabs my glasses on my face, bends them and pulls them off my face. He hits me twice, on the chest, but not hard enough to hurt me. He has gotten mad and explodes all the time but always calms down. I tell him he needs medication, and counseling but he rejects that notion. His mother was very controlling he says and his father very gentle. I believe that. There is no excuse the way he behaves. When this happens, I won't see him for a while and he always gets me to come back to him by telling me he over reacted and loves me. I want to tell him I don't won't him to call me again until he has gotten counseling for a year and knows he was abusive and has learned to conrol his temper. Other that this terrible side of him he is a great person. He is 59 years old. I tell him he will grow old alone because he won't change. Is there a good book out there to read that gives a person insight into abusive behavior? I need to move on because I deserve better. I need to know if therapy changes people like this permanently if they choose and what is the success rate?

rainbowlady gave this response on 4/3/2000:

Therapy CAN work if they're willing to admit they have a problem. Your bf does not seem willing to admit this. There are literally hundreds of books out there on why people abuse and why people put up with abusers. Check the self-help section of your local book store. You need to simply tell him when he calls after one of these explosive episodes that you're not interested in talking to him because you do not deserve to be hit. And if he won't get therapy to learn how to STOP hitting you, then he is making a statement to the effect that he'd rather lose you than try to learn something that will ultimately be for his benefit too. Since you rate so low on his list of priorities, you don't want him to call anymore. And then stick to it. If he keeps calling, just hang up. You're right-- you DO deserve better. Call your local women's shelter and find out whether there is a support group in the area of you. If so, please attend. And don't judge your experiences against another. Don't NOT go because what someone else went through was "worse" than what you went through. It affected you and you need to get support for dealing with not only that but the end(?) of the relationship.

Love and Light, Rainbowlady

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