mjo1985@... asked this question on 3/31/2000:

I have left a marriage with domestic violence. My husband has a duel diagnoses of bi-polar disorder and historyonic (sp) personality disorder. He seems to take everything out of context no matter what it is. What is the best way to respond or not respond to his perceptions of what he thinks he sees? We have a three year old daughter so it is impossible not to speak to him at all. Please advise. He is making me crazy! Thanks MJ

nemesis2 gave this response on 3/31/2000:

Hello MJ. It is a difficult one isn't it? It is all very well to suggest that you avoid or ignore his irrational outbursts, but as you said, you share a child and that child has a right to a relationship with both parents. But it is necessary for you to be clear that his reactionary and oppositional behaviour is just that - HIS BEHAVIOUR. Can I assume that he has been to see a professional to be diagnosed? And as such, has he recieved any form of treatment - either counselling or drug treatments? If so, he should be accepting the responsibility of his condition. He has also had it demonstrated, by your decision to leave, that you will not accept responsibility for his outbursts and actions. Well done, it takes an enourmous amount of courage to take such action and I commend you for your ability to protect not only yourself but your daughter from a history of abuse. An answer to your question - keep being clear about what is and is not acceptable. Be prepared to plan for access and visitations well in advance so as to avoid unnecessary communication. Stick to routines such as same time same place - to avoid confusion and to keep things as consistent as possible - this will provide more security for both yourself and for your daughter, whilst at the same time making it clear that overstepping the boundaries is his doing and not yours. And relaxation methods are important so that you are prepared for his inevitable triggers, he will probably try to wear you down, catch you out, look for you sore spots etc. And perhaps try to limit the time you spend talking to him, eg say you are on your way out and have only 5 minutes to talk - and stick to it. That way you can probably maintain your sanity in short bursts. Hope this has been of some assistance - feel free to contact me if you have anything further you wish to discuss.