mtb96bosla asked this question on 3/29/2000:

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and two month.We have 1 daugther 13 months and i have 1 son 10.up untill 2 month ago we were fine we have had bad frights before yelling,name calling,and hitting.But after these things happend we would talk about it and make changes.Now in the past 2 months when i try to talk to him about any thing thats hurting me he get anger.says i always have a problem.THE biggest issue here is he now calls me names i hate.he misunderstands what i say and then goes into a voilent rage he will push me,hit me then say i started it because i dont know when to shut up.for the past 3 days i have tryed to tell him how hurt i am and cant let this go on it is hurting our kids he says i need to drop it and think about the good things.Ireally dont know what to do he is not the same person i have always know.can it really be me who starts everything. Please help.

jellygator gave this response on 3/30/2000:

You don't make him hit you. If you had that much power over his actions, he would not be hitting you, right?

Both of you contribute to the problem. Perhaps you do the same thing I used to do--when I thought we needed to talk about something, I always thought it had to be "right now". I didn't know when to back off. That does NOT give him an excuse to hit you, though. He can back off, too, which might mean leaving the house for a cool-off period or going into a room by himself.

You could learn to give him "more space" and he could learn to give you more of his time, but it isn't something that will magically make things better. There are too many other things going on.

Abuse starts because two people are trying to win an argument. They both think, "If you would just HEAR me you would see that I'm RIGHT and then we would be happy." Neither realizes that being happy involves NOT being right most of the time, because compromise is necessary for two human beings with different experiences and values to get along. (A win-win situation instead of a win-lose one.) As a result, when there is a disagreement, both people try to get their way by raising their voices, using certain gestures, or even becoming violent. These are all ways we try to get control of a situation when we feel like we don't have any control.

If you want the relationship to change, you have to start making changes in yourself first because you simply don't have the power to change him. Truthfully, this will not be easy under the best conditions and may be impossible without professional assistance.

You did not mention whether you want to stay in the relationship. If you do, I encourage you to get counseling and learn "fair fighting" techniques. If you're thinking about leaving, make sure you have a safe place to go and if possible, save a little money before you do. You are in a vicious cycle that will not change by itself or quickly. It is traumatic for children to view the two people they love most trying to hurt one another, which you already realize, so don't procrastinate any longer than absolutely necessary.

In the meantime, use small hand gestures and keep your voice soft when a disagreement arises. You know how to recognize that the argument is escalating...it's in his body posture, his eyes, his voice. That's the time to walk away. Either say, "We'll put this on the shelf for now. When do you think we'll be able to talk about it again after we cool down?" or physically leave the area.

Do not rely on him for your good feelings. By building your network of friends & family up to what it used to be, you'll feel better about yourself and be less negative.

Remember that if you have a problem with something and he doesn't, it's your problem. The opposite is also true. When you both are uncomfortable, then you both have a problem.

Remember that every blowup is followed by a "honeymoon" period when things seem like maybe they'll get better, but that these periods keep getting shorter and shorter and the blowups become more intense with time. If the violence has been repetitive, as yours has, it will only get worse unless both of you commit to change. This commitment is not just words. It's taking chances, compromising, and above all, establishing new ways of handling anger, hurt, and fear.

If you need assistance locating a professional to help you or self-help groups, please contact me again.

mtb96bosla asked this follow-up question on 3/30/2000:

When you said if i have a problem with something its mine and not his.But if the problem is about something he is doing that hurts me.should he listen to me and help end the problems this all started when we got this computer he will stay up all night looking at porn no longer coming to bed.and if i say this hurts me and my selfestem he tells me i am wrong.we use to enjoy these things together.and stay up all night.enjoying each other.this is just one thing there are lots more.If two people in love cant talk about each others pain then i feel there is no love.

jellygator gave this response on 3/30/2000:

Try to imagine a time when you had a boyfriend who your friend(s) or family disliked. They told you that you should leave him or that you were too good for him, right? What if they'd said, "You've got a problem there?" At the time, you might not have thought so. When that happened, they saw a problem (that you probably found out later really was a problem). But because you did not experience him as a problem, then at that time, YOU DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM. Only after you start to recognize a problem does it become a problem. To give another example, it's like an alcoholic. If you try to tell someone they have a drinking problem but they don't see it, it's because they don't experience their drinking as being a problem in their life. Once they recognize it a "little bit," then they have a "small problem." Someone who thinks "Oh, my gosh! This is a huge problem!" has a huge problem.

If he won't recognize it as a problem, then he doesn't think your feelings are his problem and isn't likely to come around.

You value talking, sharing thoughts, dreams, and feelings. He doesn't value this as highly as you do. So if this falls below a level you need but doesn't fall below his expectations, he won't see the problem with it.

As far as whether he "should" listen and talk more, I can only say that he "could" or "could not" because he has as much right to his own values as you do yours. If his are not compatible with yours, you will always have problems if you cannot learn to accept each other and find a happy medium. To do that, you have to recognize the other person's feelings. Some people will never do this because to do so requires them to feel a little vulnerable.

If he is telling you you're wrong, ask yourself whether he's experiencing an accusation when you try talking to him. If so, could you use "I" statements? ("I feel (sad, mad, hurt, angry) when (you don't give my feelings any credibility)?" Or whatever event has caused the problem feeling...

Try to remember that the listener sets the tone of the conversation. If you want him to hear you, you must also hear him. Figure out why his thoughts are valid to him (even if you don't agree) and say so. "So you think I'm being unreasonable when I want to talk in the evenings because you are watching TV? I can understand that. Could we arrange a time to talk so I will be able to talk and you can listen without distractions and without interrupting something you enjoy?"

I really think that if the situation is as violent as you describe, you will not be successful in mending the relationship without some regular counseling with both of you participating. (If he won't participate, go alone. If you change what you do, the relationship WILL change one way or the other.)

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