Anonymous asked this question on 3/18/2000:

i used to be physically abused now its emotional abuse .i want to kno how i can stop the emotional abuse and have a better relationship with him again.please help.how can i communicate more with him?

betroc gave this response on 3/20/2000:

Hello. I am an advocate/volunteer for Family Crisis in my area. (New England)I wish I had a magic wand for you. I don't. What I do have is a whole lot of experience being in relationships similiar to the one you described. I knew it would be better all the way around if I were able to leave him, but I felt that I loved him & that wouldn't be an option for me. Eventually I did. I took small steps but I left. Then I went from the frying pan to the fire. I didn't want to hear what I am goint to tell you but itis true & will save you time & maybe your life. You didn't say if there were children involved or not. In my case, there were. Nobody, not even you, can change him. It is difficult to hear & even more difficult to do. I feel for you being in this position. I am in a healthy relationship now. Do you want to know how I did it? I spent 2 years with me. I got to know ME>I came to realise that I am worth it and deserve to be treated as a human being. He is treating you with anger and comtempt & you deserve better. I hope someday this helps you. Take care of yourself. 99% of these men do not change & bring their problems to the next relationship. I will pray for you too(it can't hurt)

betroc gave this follow-up answer on 3/20/2000:

These 16steps dev. by C. Kasl for addiction/dependence proved very helpful for me: Think about them & begin to keep a journal perhaps answering each one to yourself 1/We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self esteem and security. 2/We come to believe that God/the Goddess/Universe/Great SPirit/Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we ope ourselves to that power. 3/We make a decision to beome our authentic Seles and trust in the healing power of the TRUTH 4/We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchal, patriarchal culture. 5/We share with another person & the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt. 6/We affirm & enjoy our strengths, talents, and creativity striving not to hide these qualities to protect others' egos. 7/We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourSelves and others. 8/We make a list of people we have harmed & people who have harmed us, & take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way. 9/We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life & the blessings we DO have. 10/ We continue to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know, and we feel what we feel. 11/ We promptly acknowledge our mistakes & make amendswhen appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover up, analyze or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others!!!(think about this one, hon) 12/We seek out situations, jobs, and people,PEOPLE isay again, that affirm our intelligence, perceptions and self worth & AVOID situations or people WHO ARE HURTFUL, HARMFUL OR DEMEANING TO US!!! 13/We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress and have fun 14/We seek to find our inward calling,& develop the will & wisdom to follow it 15/We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth. 16/We grow in awareness that we are interrelated with all living things, & we contribute to restoring peace & balance on the planet.

These are beautiful steps for people like us who need to be validated daily that we need to have some boundaries or all kinds of creeps are going to take advantage of this - if you are not in therapy you can certainly prompt me at anytime for what its' worth & I will get back ASAP. I know it is difficult. Ihope you are seeking the truth. The truth isn't always what you want it to be. Sometimes there are things down the road that will make you happy beyond your wildest dreams & perhaps that is why you need this experience and youneed to be tru to yourself at all costs- even your relationship. best of luck as you seek your truth..

Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 3/20/2000:

how long were you with him?i do not have children.how did you finally leave him?and how are you doing today?

betroc gave this response on 3/21/2000:

I was married for 10 yrs to the emotionally abusive creton. Ihad three kids with him. Now I see him treating his present wife the same way. In five years I have seen her age 10. After him I was in a physically and emotionally relationship for two years.

I found something that interested me and poured myself into it which is art. I also do advocacy work for patients on methadone maintenance(iam also a recovering heroin/cocaine addict)

The task group in my town had meetings for abused women & i found some great friends there. Someone to laugh about those jerks with. Sounds like he has to grow up. There are resources and people out there who will hwlp and support you. But only you can take the big step.

There is somebody out there who will treat you right, the way you deserve to be treated. take care betroc

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