katfish asked this question on 3/5/2000:
My current girlfriend of 6 months has a history with her ex of being physically abused. They still live together, as financially it is not feasible for her to move out. It is very difficult for me to not become angry at the situation, and I'm trying to get a better understanding of how she could've, one- endured three years of abuse, and two- what she may be going through now.Perhaps you can help me in this. Also, she has nightmares constantly of people beating her up and is just now realizing to the extent of just how messed up her situation actually wasDo you have any suggestion as to how I can best provide her with the support she needs?
Sharon65 gave this response on 3/5/2000:
Hi Katfish,
I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. No one should have to endure any kind of abuse. I don't blame you for being angry, you wouldn't be human if you weren't, that is so normal. Having gone through two years of abuse myself, I can tell you that it's not that easy to break away. The Psychological part of the abuse is worse than the physical at times and puts a hold on you that you would not believe. It makes you feel like you are worthless and you deserve it. I can tell you from my experience that I felt like cause I made him mad it was my fault that I got hit. I instigated it, so I deserved it. You walk on egg shells constantly hoping not to piss him off. Often there is the part where after the physical abuse is over for the moment and he feel so bad that he hurt you. Sometimes he'll even cry and tell you how sorry he is and that he won't do it again. Then he will be so nice. And the love starved woman that is being abused will eat it up. They practically live for that. They make excuses for there partner also, they can't help it. They are both feeling sorry for them and are ashamed. So that may be a bit of what she is going through. Not much fun.
Just being there to talk to is a great help to her. Let her talk it out, she may have buried the feelings deep down so no one could see the abuse and the pain she is going through. Just the fact that she is talking about it is a step in the right direction. She really needs to get out of there. She probably needs a little bit of a shove. Does she have anyone she could stay with? Friends, family, you? If not there are battered woman shelters that can help her. They are such a help, a safe haven. They could set her up with a counselor and give her a place to stay. They will advise her what to do. They will also show her where to go for financial help.
As far as the nightmares, that's normal. She's going through a really rough time and that will make her dream about it. Counseling would help her big time. It will also help her put things into perspective. Eventually she won't have these dreams, after she leaves that is.
You are already doing the right thing for her. Your finding out the information she needs, maybe afraid of finding out for herself. Just being there for her helps but you have to talk her into leaving. Even if it means going to a shelter. The counseling they offer is amazing and it would be so helpful to her. And the best thing, he won't know where she is.
I wish you and your girlfriend all the luck in the world. If you need to talk about this further, I'm right here.
Take Care, Sharon
Sharon65 gave this follow-up answer on 3/5/2000:
Hi Katfish,
I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. No one should have to endure any kind of abuse. I don't blame you for being angry, you wouldn't be human if you weren't, that is so normal. Having gone through two years of abuse myself, I can tell you that it's not that easy to break away. The Psychological part of the abuse is worse than the physical at times and puts a hold on you that you would not believe. It makes you feel like you are worthless and you deserve it. I can tell you from my experience that I felt like cause I made him mad it was my fault that I got hit. I instigated it, so I deserved it. You walk on egg shells constantly hoping not to piss him off. Often there is the part where after the physical abuse is over for the moment and he feel so bad that he hurt you. Sometimes he'll even cry and tell you how sorry he is and that he won't do it again. Then he will be so nice. And the love starved woman that is being abused will eat it up. They practically live for that. They make excuses for there partner also, they can't help it. They are both feeling sorry for them and are ashamed. So that may be a bit of what she is going through. Not much fun.
Just being there to talk to is a great help to her. Let her talk it out, she may have buried the feelings deep down so no one could see the abuse and the pain she is going through. Just the fact that she is talking about it is a step in the right direction. She really needs to get out of there. She probably needs a little bit of a shove. Does she have anyone she could stay with? Friends, family, you? If not there are battered woman shelters that can help her. They are such a help, a safe haven. They could set her up with a counselor and give her a place to stay. They will advise her what to do. They will also show her where to go for financial help.
As far as the nightmares, that's normal. She's going through a really rough time and that will make her dream about it. Counseling would help her big time. It will also help her put things into perspective. Eventually she won't have these dreams, after she leaves that is.
You are already doing the right thing for her. Your finding out the information she needs, maybe afraid of finding out for herself. Just being there for her helps but you have to talk her into leaving. Even if it means going to a shelter. The counseling they offer is amazing and it would be so helpful to her. And the best thing, he won't know where she is.
I wish you and your girlfriend all the luck in the world. If you need to talk about this further, I'm right here.
Take Care, Sharon