Anonymous asked this question on 2/19/2000:

I am a 30 year old woman. When I was about 12 years old, I remember reading on the couch in the TV room. My father came in, pulled up my shirt and fondled my left nipple. I pushed him away from me, ran out of the room, locked the door so he can't get out. I wanted to call the police but knowing he will get out, I ran in my room and locked the door. I hid behind the bed. He came in (he unlocked the door with a tool), and pulled down my pants while I was laying there. He said ok and then told me not to tell Mom about it. Later, while I was taking a shower, I looked up and saw my father looking down at me, smiling. I have already gone through puberty (about 12 or 13). It has affected me my whole life....I did a few sex crimes as a teenager (I never got caught) and said a sexual pun to one of my teachers. I can still remember those times what my father did, and ever since that had happened, I did not want to get near him. Everyone thought I hated him. I would talk to him sometimes and he would be fine, but I just can't shake those memories from my mind. He is an unaffectionate man.....I never had a kiss from a guy before. I would be fine if a guy just hugs me or talks to me, but when it is sudden like sitting down next to me to talk to me, or I have to get close to a guy, I felt a little scared. I am more comfortable around women because I am around them more. I had friends (boys and girls) at school and had a boyfriend....I am still ok with guys if they just talk to me or hug me, it frightens me if I had to get close to them. My father called me "stupid" not too long ago out of anger and he kicked the door out of anger on my parent's bedroom door. He taught me that men can be cruel sometimes. He has really haunted me when he did those things to me. I wanted to be married but I can't find a guy in my life...but now I think I am a little afraid of them but I do like them....I am not very approachable to them. What is wrong with me? How can I get help in this? Thanks for any replies you send me.

FindingYourself gave this response on 2/19/2000:

What your father did to you was horrible! But it was NOT your fault. You do know this I hope. You did nothing to cause him to do that. I can tell he's caused you alot of hurt and pain. Long term. You just need to remember that not all men are like him. When your ready to accept someone in your life, you'll find that he's amazing and loving and wonderful. Just be sure, and follow your gut instincts. There isn't anything wrong with you. You were hurt as a young impressionable girl at an age that was already tough to cope with. Just tell yourself each day that you deserve better than that, and that he may have 'powered' you then, but your in control now. You have the power! If you feel like it gets too tough, maybe consider a therapist. Someone who can help you work more thoroughly through the pain and help you understand why you feel the way you do better. Sometimes it just helps talking to someone who understands. Have you thought about a support group? I hope some of this helps you. My thoughts are with you.