Anonymous asked this question on 2/13/2000:
It is important for me to ask this question of more than one expert, so I hope that's alright. I'd have put it onto the public board, but then I'd have to wait for someone to find it.
I'll make it as short as I can. I have been told of a situation that's very disturbing to me. I can't sit by and "watch" it, but it's taking place in another state, so I don't know what to do.
Scenario. Six children, abusive mother. More emotionally abusive than physically, I believe, but probably some of that, too. The father, who sees the children often, is living elsewhere (also forced out by abuse), visits them often. Last night, he found the 4 year old outside crying and wringing her hangs in agony. Terrified. The story was that the 15 year old felt the little one was being "disruptive" and "punished" her. It's not the first time it's happened. The older ones are abusive to the younger and have been "caught" punishing them on numerous occasions, once by locking the then 2 year old in a closet.
You may wonder where the mother is while all this is going on? She goes upstairs and retires for the night before 8 p.m. The children are on their own for the rest of the night.
My sense of morals and ethics knows this is wrong, but I don't know how to help. And I need more of an answer than "suggest they get counseling". I need to know if there are criminal laws against this, and how it can be helped. I don't want the children to be taken out of the home, but this is unthinkable. The youngest are being terrorized by the teenagers while the person supposed to be responsible for their safety goes to sleep after dinnertime. And everyone seems to think that's perfectly fine! I don't happen to agree.
Even as I write this, I'm wondering if I don't already know the answer... is this a matter where someone has to step in and contact the child protection services in that state? I would so hate to see these children get separated, but what cost will they have to pay if they continue to be in this situation?
Long question... I'm sorry. A friend of this family has asked for my help and I am not qualified to give it. So I'll bring it to the xpertsite. What can I do???
lakers gave this response on 2/13/2000:
If the mother is abusive, the older children are following her example and sustaining the pattern of abuse. To break this cycle, some tough decisions have to be made.
First, the father is in the best position of authority. He should speak with his children and explain his concerns. Next, he should attempt to gain custody. To do this, he should document any abuse/effects of abuse has seen. If there are injuries, he should photograph them. If he cannot afford an attorney, he should contact legal services and ask for assistance.
Secondly, the children should be given training in recognizing and breaking the cycle of violence. It can be as formal as counseling or as informal as contact by school authorities, pastors etc.
Lastly, since you seem reluctant, Child Protective Services should be contacted. Documentation containing specifics will assist them in deciding how to proceed.
A last thought: When children's lives are being negatively effected to this degree, something must be done. The pattern of violence will continue for generations if there is no intervention. CPS will attempt to keep the family together, especially if that is a preference. Why can't the father accept custody? If he cannot, will the children be better off if temporarily separated while the quality of life is improved?
Since you are more familiar with the situation, these are some questions you need to explore. Best of luck, and please contact me if you need more specifics. Let me know how it turns out.
Laura
The average rating for this answer is 4.8.
Anonymous rated this answer a 5.
Thank you, Laura. I will ask these questions to the parties involved and get something done about this. Thank you for this thorough answer.