''The Book of the In-Laws''
Liber Call Me AL
vel vel, now.
sub figura skating
"The Book of the In-Laws"
1. New and improved! The filet of
2. Oh come, all ye faithful, and
Jim shall spill all the secrets
which have not been revealed
already. I, Christopher Robin,
am the complement of Pooh, my
bear. He is hungry, and he lives
under the name of Sanders.
3. I am always the center of
attention, which makes my wife a
4. Yet it is she who gets invited
to the best parties.
5. Yuck! These old rituals are
filthy! Let the nasty ones get
lost; let the good take
laxatives. Then we'll talk.
6. I am heartburn and sunstroke. I
am Life, and I gave at the
office, yet I am expert in
Grateful Dead trivia.
7. I am The Omen and The Exorcist.
I am the fly in the ointment and
the lime in the coconut. "Come
unto me" is a foolish word, for
I do not make house calls.
8. Who worshipped Har-Po-Marx has
worshipped me; badly, for I
9. Remember that existence is one
long party; that hangovers pass
and are done, but liver damage
10. O boy, I can see you had enough
of this yesterday.
11. I see you hate the hand and the
pen, but I could not afford a
12. Because we are both broke.
13. for why? Because thou failed
grammar, and me.
14. Also, we couldn't pay the
15. For I am just the greatest
thing, and my number is nine one
one to the fools, but with the
"in" crowd I am eight, and one
eight, and four out of five, and
two for one. Which is really
critical, only I forgot why. I
didn't draw to my Jack-high
16. I am a priest in drag. Oh, and
I can count to eleven, just like
17. Hear me, ye people of sighing
Whose next three paychecks are
Now is the time to start crying
The Landlord just increased your
18. They are better off dead, these
worthless bums. they will
hardly feel a thing. We don't
care -- we're on the winning
19. Is God to walk a dog? Woof!
But Pig enumerates to 93.
20. Beauty and fashion, Malibu
condos and fast cars, coke and
cognac are of us.
21. We have nothing with the scum
and the rabble. Refuse them
spare change! Kick them in the
ribs! Spit on them! Gouge
their eyes out! Drop napalm on
their foul, stinking streets
full of cheap wine bottles and
shopping carts and -- excuse me,
I got carried away. If the body
of the King dissolve, the Palace
probably needs a new water
softener. Nuts! Haddocks! Pa-
Ra-Keets! UV lamps, steroids
and contact lenses, track
lighting! I ask you, is this
any way to run a pantheon? Then
again, what can you expect from
a bunch of nocturnal snakes?
22. I am the Worm that lieth in the
bottom of the tequila bottle
which fills men with
drunkenness. For a good time,
buy strange drugs from my
distributor and trip thereupon.
The brain damage will barely be
noticeable. Just say "Nu!" The
exposure of innocence is fun.
Be a manly, lusty Man; you can
explain it all to God later.
23. I am alone. There is no God.
Where am I?
24. But ye, o my people, rise up
and -- Shut up, o deacon; I am
not there yet. This is just one
of many Grave Mysteries I plan
to hint about without ever
actually telling you anything.
For example, it is said, or so
some say, that there are those
of my people who are hermits.
Now, think not to find them
milking goats in the West County
of Ireland, or even standing in
wheatfields holding cubist
lanterns along the Tiphareth-
Chesed Freeway, but at cocktail
parties, and in the Tokyo subway
system. How is it, you ask,
that such people are deemed
Hermits? Chalk up another Grave
Mystery. Remember: Kill the
wretched, and the weak, the
struggling masses yearning to be
free! Burn their homes, plow
their fields with salt, enslave
them, oppress them -- oh my, I'm
sorry, I seem to have gotten
carried away again. I really
will try to keep a lid on it
from now on. Promise.
25. It's us against them, boy, and
I say we call in the nukes! The
hell with what I just promised!
I hate them! I hate them!
26. I am the train entering a
tunnel, and the hot dog chasing
a donut. If I lift up my head,
and shoot forth venom, I will
have to wash the sheets in the
27. There is danger in this verse,
for whoso does not give it to
his editor shall make a great
mess. He shall stumble into the
pit called Writers Block, and
there he shall reason with the
28. Now, damn Because, and the
horse he rode in on!
29. Just who the Hell does Because
think he is, anyway?
30. If Will stops and cries Why,
31. If Power asks Why, tell it
whatever it wants to hear.
32. Reason won't work either, at
least not for you.
33. Enough Because, already! I
don't even like his dog!
34. (What has he got against dogs,
anyway? Is it my turn, now?
Okay...*ahem*) But ye, o my
people, rise up and restore
circulation to your arms!
35. Let the rituals be performed
with latex and farm animals!
36. There are parties every other
Tuesday at Bagh-i-muattar Camp.
37. A feast for the first night of
Pernod over ice!
38. A feast for each of the ninety-
four days of the writing on the
Book of the In-Laws.
39. A feast for Alexia, child of
1.75 Masters -- Ptah-Sekhet, O
40. Practices for initiation
rituals, and practices for the
Equinox so we can piss off the
A... A... types again.
41. A feast after class, and a
feast on payday; a feast for
life, and a sudden loss of
appetite following death.
42. A feast every day with me so
you can get heartburn.
43. A feast every night with my
wife so you can get spacey.
44. Yeah! Party hardy, bro, and
fear not hangovers at all.
45. There is death for the dogs,
but only if a Czechoslovakian
restaurant opens in your
46. Doest thou fall? Art thou
hurt? Call Work Injury
Resources at (213) 466-1058.
47. Where am I? What are these?
48. Pity not the fallen! (What a
great idea for a song title...)
they are not my problem! I hate
them, hate them, hate them!
Torture them, destroy them, burn
them,! Rip their throats open
with dull knives, and -- whoops,
there I go again.
49. I am Haddock, hear me roar,
while I kill and maim the poor;
they knew that I would get them
in the end. (This is one of the
nine to five; after work there
is happy hour, wherein I am
three sheets to the wind.)
50. Green am I, and pink in the
weave of my shirt, yet the red
lines are in my eyes, and the
purple shadows under them.
51. I mean really purple; it is the
light high as a mountain, tall
as a tree. My toadie shall call
this light "infrared," thus
establishing his credentials to
create a system of scientific
52. There is some veal; that veal
is black. It is the veal you
bought for dinner three months
ago; it is the veal that still
lieth in the back of your
refrigerator. Throw away this
fuzzy specimen of mycology! Do
this, and I shall reward thee
with freedom from severe food
53. Don't worry, kid, you won't
regret writing this thing. You
are perfectly OK, I swear it,
and any minor discomfort you may
feel is only temporary, and
probably just psychosomatic
54. So your family, loved ones,
friends, and everyone else
you've ever respected think
you've gone off the deep end?
Big deal! You know who you can
trust, right? The stops as thou
wilt; the yields as prescribed
by state law.
55. Thou shalt learn the entire
English Alphabet; thou shalt
learn to construct words
56. Laugh while you still can,
mockers! They laughed at me at
the University, but now, now I
will show them! Ahahaha!
57. He that is righteous shall be
righteous still, he that is
filthy shall take a bath.
58. Don't go changing, to try to
please me, I love you just the
way you are. Perhaps that bum
is a King who likes cheap red
wine. A King can choose his
refreshment as he will; the
rabble cannot hide their poor
59. Kill them all, and let Me sort
60. Strike low, strike often; kick
them when they're down, so they
won't get up again!
61. There is a light before thine
eyes, a light undesired, most
annoying. Buy a new shade for
your desk lamp.
62. Your chest hurts, and the roof
63. Just breathing is an effort.
64. Oh! You let your guard down,
we have you now: hail, hail, the
gang's all here: prophet of a
Nut! prophet of the Odd! Prophet
of Bar-B-Que! Now rejoice, and
party, and write trashy novels!
65. I am the Master; you will obey
66. Write and work, and find
ecstasy in bed! Thrill with
victory and agonize in defeat!
Those who see your death shall
be glad -- doesn't that make you
feel just great? I love you so
much I think I'll kill you.
Cheer up! We're all in this
67. Hold! A little more to the
left! Keep it up! Oh, for
God's sake, don't pass out now!
68. Harder! Faster! Oh! Oh!
69. Whew! What do I feel? Am I
exhausted? Not with this verse
number, I'm not.
70. There are other ways, too.
Wisdom says: be rich! Then canst
thou afford more joy.
Recrystallize thy rapture. If
thou drink, don't drive, if thou
love, do. If thou do aught
joyous, don't get caught, and
destroy all evidence.
71. But go for the gusto!
72. Grab more and more! Live fast,
die young, leave a good-looking
73. Ah! Ah! Death! Death! Thou!
Thou! Shalt! Shalt! Long! --
excuse me, I got stuck. Anyway,
74. Absence makes the Heart grow
fonder. He who lives long and
desires death much is obviously
not very good at suicide.
75. Aha! Listen to the Secret Code
76. 20-N-Z 6-B-17-M 3-M-2-N-3-M-3
16-6-C-15 18-14-N-11-5. What
the Hell does that mean? You
won't figure it out, that's for
sure. Ten cometh after me; they
shall read it, and weep. But
remember -- even if you don't
understand it, you can still
tell it to your friends.
77. O be thou proud and macho and
muscular, and the Castro shall
78. Thou art really something, a
special kind of guy, truly head
and shoulders above the crowd, a
standout, one-of-a-kind. Thine
head shall expand to encompass
the stars. They shall worship
thy name, and the number of thy
79. The end of the filet of
Haddock, and so long to you,