MONTY PYTHON: Election Night/Lumberjack!

This is a rough transcript of the "Election Night Special" and "Lumberjack" 
sketches from Monty Python (Drury Lane).

                       Compiled by Random of Amber.

GERALD (very fast):  "Hello,  good evening,  and welcome to Election  Night 
Special.  There's  tremendous excitement here at the moment as we should be 
getting  the first results through any moment now.   We're not  quite  sure 
where  the big (something) might be from Lester of from West  Bitely.   The 
opponent  has been quite heavy in Bo Derek's arm.   I'm just  kidding,  I'm 
just getting a buzzing noise in my left ear.   UUUUUeeeueh.  Ahem.  And now 
let's go straight over to Lester.

LESTER  ANNOUNCER:  "And  it's a street fight here at  Lester.   And  we're 
expecting  the result any moment now.   There with the returning officer is 
Arthur Smith,  the Sensible candidate,  and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrus 
Titty, the Silly candidate, with his agent and his silly wife."

OTHER L.  ANNOUNCER:  "Ah-he-hem, There's the result for Lester:  Arthur J. 
Smith ("Sensible party"):  30,612.   Jethro Q.  Bonwacky Bozzits to Bonbood 
Walrus Titty ("Silly party"): 33,108."

GERALD:  "Well there you have it,  the first results of the election there, 
and the Silly party held Lester.  Norman?"

NORMAN:   "Well,  pretty much as I predicted,  except that the Silly  party 
won.  I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast.  Joe?"

JOE:   "Well,  there's  a big swing here to the silly party;  but how big a 
swing I'm not going to tell you."

NORMAN:   "I  think I should point out that in this constituency since  the 
last  election  a  lot of very silly people have moved into a  new  housing 
estate with the result that many of the sensible voters have moved  furthur 
down the road the other side of, number, uh, uh, twenty nine."

GERALD:  "Well, I can't add anything to that.  Collin?"

COLLIN:   "Can  I  just say that this is the first time I've been on  tele-
vision?"

GERALD:   "No I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just going straight over to 
Luten."

LUTEN ANNCR:   "Well here at Luten,  it's a three-cornered contest between, 
from left to right, Alan Jones, Sensible party, Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbim-
whimbimlin Bus Stop Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel, Silly party, and Kevin 
Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket.  And here's the 
results:"

ANNOUNCER:    "Alan  Jones  ("Sensible"):    9,112.   Kevin  Phillips  Bong 
("Slightly Silly"):  Naught.  Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbimwhinbimlin Bus Stop 
Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel ("Silly"):  12,441."

GERALD:   "Well there you have it,  the first results of the Election there 
as the Silly party takes Luten.  Norman?"

NORMAN:  "Well this is a very significant result.  Luten is normally a very 
sensible  constituency,  and a high proportion of people who weren't a  bit 
silly have gone completely gaga."

GERALD:   "And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning 
Silly candidate at Luten."

JAMES GILBERT:  "Tarquin, are you, uh, pleased with this result?"

TARQUIN:   "Oh yes beyond belief,  I should say so.   (Pop,  nweeet, eeeun, 
nrrrrrrrrng)"

GERALD:  "Do we have the swing at Luten?"

JOE:  "No."

GERALD:  "Uh, right, well, I can't add anything to that.  Collin?"

COLLIN:   "Can  I just say that this is the second time I've been on  tele-
vision?"

GERALD:   "No  I'm sorry,  there isn't time,  uh,  we're just about to  get 
another result."

HARPERTON SE:   "And this one is from Harperton South East.   A very inter-
esting  constituency  this,  in addition to the official  Silly  candidate, 
there is an Unofficial VERY silly candidate in the slab of  concrete.   And 
he could well split the Silly vote here at Harperton South East."

H.S.E.  ANCR:  "Mrs. Elsie ZZZZZzzzzzzzUT! ("Silly"): 26,317.  Phillip Wal-
ter  ("Sensible"):  26,318.   Arthur Peter Brown Telescope Adrian Blackpool 
Rock  Stoat-Gobbler John Raw Vegetable (whwhwhwhwhuh) Norman Michael  (ding 
ding ding) (tweeet!) Edward (Honk,  honk) 'Shubiddy shubiddy shubiddy' (low 
honk) Thomas 'Oh,  we'll keep a welcome in' (BANG!) Williams (rising  whis-
tle)  'Rain-drops  keep falling on my' (whing!) 'Don't sleep in the  subway' 
(Cuckoo cuckoo) nyeuueneuhuenhuh Smith ("very silly"): 2."

GERALD:   "Well there you have it,  a sensible gain there at Harperton with 
the silly vote being split."

NORMAN:   "And we've just heard from Luten that Tony Stratensworth has with 
him there the unsuccessful slightly silly candidate Kevin Phillips Bong."

TONY  S.:   "Kevin  Phillips  Bong...you polled no votes  at  all.   Not  a 
sausage.  Bugger all.  Are you at all disappointed with this performance?"

K.P.BONG:   "Not at all.   As I always say,  'Climb every  mountain.   Ford 
every  stream.   Follow every byway,  'till you find your dream.  (sings) A 
dream  that will last/for the love you can give/every day of your  life/for 
as  long as you live!   All together!   CLIMB EVERY  MOUNTAIN!  Ford  every 
stream - FORD EVERY STREAM --"

GERALD:   "Well  there  you  have it,  a very brave  performance  by  Kevin 
Phillips Bong there.  Norman."

NORMAN:   "Can I just say...I've just heard from Luten that my Aunt is ill.  
Uh, possibly (medical term), possibly just catarrh.  Gerald."

GERALD:  "Right, uh, Collin?"

COLLIN:  "Can I just say that he'll never appear on television again?"

GERALD:   "No I'm sorry,  there isn't time, we've got a big load of results 
that you might have missed, a little pink pussy cat has taken Barrow in the 
third nest.   That's a gain for the Liberals there.   Francis Odinga Odinga 
has  taken  Wolverhampton  SW,  that's  Eneth  Powell's  old  constituency.  
Important  gain  there for Darkie Power.   Arthur Negis has  held  Bristol, 
that's not a result, that's just a bit of gossip, Sir Alec Douglas Hume has 
taken  Olden for the Stone Dead Party.   A small piece of putty about  that 
big,  a cheese mechanic from Dunbar,  and two frogs one cold kipper and the 
other one not have all gone 'nip nip,  nip nip nip,  nip nip' in  Blackpool 
Central.   So  it's  beginning  to  look like a Silly  landslide  when  the 
prospect of five more years of Silly government facing us, we...oh, I don't 
want to do this anymore.  I'm bored." (Leaves)

TOM:  "He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time." (him too.)

OTHERS  LEAVE  saying "Absolute waste" "mumble mumble" "Is  that  what  you 
always wanted to be, a cosmopolitan?" 

Last  one  still  there:   "I...I  never wanted to do  this  for  a  living 
..I...I...I always...wanted to be...a LUMBERJACK!   (dunt, dunt, dunt, dunt 
music  starts (from Snoopy Red Baron) Leaping from tree to tree!   As  they 
float   down   the   mighty  rivers  of  British   Columbia!    The   giant 
(fliesh?)...the  Redwoods...the mighty (sud spar?) With my best girl by  my 
side...we'd sing... sing...sing!

CHORUS:

OH, I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day!

(HE'S A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OKAY,
HE SLEEPS ALL NIGHT AND HE WORKS ALL DAY!)

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavo-try!
On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea!

(HE CUTS DOWN TREES, HE EATS HIS LUNCH, HE GOES TO THE LAVO-TRY!
ON WEDNESDAYS HE GOES SHOPPING, AND HAS BUTTERED SCONES FOR TEA!)

CHORUS (together)

I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers!
I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars!

(HE CUTS DOWN TREES,  HE SKIPS AND JUMPS,  HE LIKES TO PRESS WILD FLOWERS!
HE PUTS ON WOMEN'S CLOTHING AND HANGS AROUND IN BARS! (in that last 'around 
in bars' one person's voice rises incredulously))

CHORUS (together)

I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra!
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear poppar!

(HE CUTS DOWN TREES,  HE WEARS HIGH HEELS, SUSPENDERS AND A BRA?!?!  (cries 
of derision, like "lousy faggot!"))

Piano: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!

OH, (chorus, together)

TOGETHER:  I'm (HE'S) a lumberjack and he's O---KAY!!!
  I (HE) sleeps all night and I (HE) works ALL...DAY!!!!!

                                   finis