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'EARTH' IS TERRA-BLE
By LOU LUMENICK
BATTLEFIELD EARTH
In the year 3000, humans led by Barry Pepper rise up against their extraterrestrial oppressors, headed by security chief John Travolta with ridiculous makeup and an absurd British accent. The second half of this "Planet of the Apes" rehash is hilariously silly - the rest is tediously terrible, with cheesy special effects.
Running time: 117 minutes. Rated PG-13. At the Empire, the Kips Bay, the Coronet, others.
EARTH to John Travolta - you've got a Y3K problem! It's called "Battlefield Earth," a truly dire and silly rehash of "Planet of the Apes," derived from a novel by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
It's the year 3000 and, as the titles announce, "mankind is an endangered species." Those who have not been enslaved for a thousand years since an invasion from the planet Psychlos have become cave-dwelling, spear-carrying hunters.
Earth is being overseen by Chief of Security Terl - a big-domed 7-foot Psychlo with breathing tubes, spectacularly bad teeth, dreadlocks and a drinking problem. Terl is played by Travolta, who happens to be a famous Scientology follower and proudly co-produced this mess.
Passed over for a promotion and stuck on Earth, Terl schemes to skim some gold from the Psychlos' mining operation.
For this job he trains a rebellious "man animal" named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper, who vaguely resembles that other well-known Scientologist, Tom Cruise).
But Jonnie, who's apparently the last person on Earth with access to a good dentist, has other ideas.
Inspired by reading the Declaration of Independence during a visit to the ruins of the Denver public library - quite an accomplishment, since his illiterate species has spent centuries in caves - he schemes to outwit Terl and lead a revolt against the Psychlos.
It's at this point where the film goes from being tediously terrible to downright gigglesome. Especially ludicrous is the scene where Jonnie and his fellow cavemen, after a pit stop in Washington D.C., quickly locate the remains of Fort Knox - and quite literally walk into the gold-filled vaults.
What really set a preview audience howling with laughter was the idea that these spear-carriers could operate fighter jets, thousand-year-old fighter jets, with great precision, after minimal training - and deploy high explosives to destroy a massive dome that looks distressingly like the Javits Center over the ruins of Denver.
Did I mention they also nuke Terl's home planet?
Nobody expects great acting in this kind of movie, but Travolta seems to be enjoying his ultra-campy turn - he laughs maniacally at every opportunity - a lot more than audiences will. His wife, Kelly Preston, turns up as Terl's secretary just long enough to unfurl a 3-foot-long tongue.
Pepper, one of the angelic prison guards in "The Green Mile," will no doubt someday try to live this down the same way Cruise tries to forget his failed supernatural epic "Legend." Forest Whitaker seems utterly miserable as Terl's sidekick, as he should be.
For a movie directed by the art director of "Star Wars" - Roger Christian also helmed the second unit for "The Phantom Menace" - "Battlefield Earth" looks surprisingly crummy.
The depiction of ruined cities doesn't markedly improve upon the 32-year-old "Planet of the Apes," and many of the effects shots look downright cheesy.
Warner Bros. is trying to lure audiences for "Battlefield Earth" with a "Take Back the Planet" contest, offering a grand prize of $100,000.
It ain't enough.
