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Battlefieldology

An alternative take on Battlefield Earth

by Bernie Kornberg Friday May 12, 2000 Page 10

Editor's Note: In case you don't get it at first, this is Bernie Kornberg's review of Battlefield Earth, the popular L. Ron Hubbard science fiction novel that is now a film starring John Travolta (as Terl). In typical Bernie style, he's found a new way to trash the flick in a journal form from the viewpoint of the main character, Jonnie.

The year is 3000 AD. Recently, Professor Cy N. Tallogy discovered the Journal of Jonnie beneath the capital building in New Denver. Possibly the most important discovery of the last five hundred years, this book is a day by day account of the adventures of the man who led us humans to our freedom. The complete text, soon to be released by Cy University Press, is here presented in excerpts to whet the appetite for what will soon follow.

Day 3

Wow, when that green rectangle hit me I was sure I was done for, or that I would at least be cut up a bit after crashing through three consecutive plate glass windows. Luckily, I seem to have survived the encounter without a scratch, though I do wonder what the big creature that emerged from shadow was. Could he be one of the demons that I don't believe in to the point that I left my village to prove that such things wouldn't harm me? Gosh, I feel silly. Hope nobody finds out.

Day 5

I'm not sure what these creatures are, perhaps demon, or perhaps animal. They are very large and they do smell beastly. Their hair is very long and dirty, their nails uncut and corroded, as are the rest of their bodies. I would discount them as nothing more than hippies except for the fact that they are about ten feet tall and wear shoes. I do not like these hippies. The ones back home would snivel about peace and love when I teased and beat them. These hippies merely choke the life out of those who do the same. Oh, how I miss my wonderful little village.

Day 6

The most evil hippy of them looks almost human, except for his stilted speech and canned laughter. He does laugh a lot, at many inappropriate times. He also has a strange, herbal smell that I can not place. I believe the others call him Terl, though I can not understand their language well yet. He likes to hurt me for fun, but he almost seems to like to hurt others of his race more. Truly, he is the cause of all evil. I also do not like his lackey --- a fat hippy of darker skin coloring who is just as evil but much dumber. I have heard of a mythical creature, the Hollywoodian, who creates a social order based on skin color. Perhaps I have discovered what these strange beasts really are.

Day 10

Golly, you never really think how nice it is to be alive until you're saved by your enemy's inexplicable idiocy. After I messed up a few guards and ran away through a manhole that had been forgotten about for the last thousand years, I was trapped by my own human failings. Instead of killing me, Terl shot the guards who were arresting me for some reason I shall never understand, and took me and my buddies up to the mountains. I don't why, but the only food he left me was live rats. I think he thinks I like them. This is kinda funny, and is the first thing that's been funny since I left the village, and I get the feeling it will be the last thing that's funny for a long time. Sigh.

Day 13

Geez, the learning machine sure was aptly named. While I get how learning their language and some basic history might be helpful to Terl's cause of abusing his powers, I ain't never going to get how my new found knowledge of firearms will help him, or my tactical power, or my knowledge of the glories of my race. He seems to be laughing about it though. Tomorrow me and my crew are going out to secretly mine gold for Terl at some mountains his scanner detected. I wonder why his scanners that can look into mountains never detected any gold in Fort Knox, cause I bet it's still full of it, my intuition says so. And why are his photos all on very heavy pre-1910 photo plates? My Sticky Film is so much more useful.

Day 14

Haw, tricked him. Even though we delivered him gold bars from Fort Knox instead of raw oar. He gave us seven days 'til the next shipment, so that's just enough time to destroy their entire race. Found in this nearby fort an old nuclear bomb which me and my buddy hooked up in no time flat. I got this nifty idea for eradicating Terl and his kind. Plus we found all these Harrier Jets, all fueled up to go. Anyone know if gasoline is still good over a thousand years? And there's a flight simulator. I'll create my own air corps.

Day 17

We still have four days to go and my men have already mastered flying from the flight simulator. I told them to keep in practice, just to keep 'em out of trouble, but they already know everything there is to know and now they just get drunk all the time. Ah well, who cares, they're total war machines now.

Day 22

Hooray, we're victorious. I'm as giddy as a school girl. Virtually everyone's dead except for me and those who suffer from some diseases the doc calls irony. I used to think I'd never get tired of watching things blow up, but I did yesterday. The voices in my head told me that's why I'm such a great leader. Most people I know found some excuse or another to cause large explosions around themselves that saved the day, but ended their lives. I'm lonely. My girl still loves me though, so that helps. Since she's the only women I've found on this entire planet, I think I best keep my eyes open. I guess Terl's society ain't so smart, cause all those laws of physics that machine taught me totally were proved wrong yesterday. Who's so smart now, biatches! Yeah. I plan to lead my people into a bright new future. I've developed this new religion that will aid people to find their spiritual paths through proven scientific techniques and modern thought. This new religion is better that all those dumb old religions, so much that even Terl agrees in its greatness. He's creating a metaphor and putting it in novel form. He's says science fiction is the best way to convey all great ideas. I wonder if I can find any old cameras --- this would make a great epic on film.

Anyway, Battlefield Earth is a pretty awful movie with a lot poorly-done eye candy. Independence Day made more sense and Leprechaun 4 was written and directed better.

Jonnie, the protagonist, is played by Barry Pepper, Terl by John Travolta, the lackey by Forest Whitaker (why, oh why?), and the endless list of people who only serve the purpose to die are played by a whole lot of different (but remarkably the same) actors. No, I will no apologize about my particular stance on Scientology. Does anyone at this school care?