apollonia asked this question on 5/7/2000:

I have been depressed for about two years, I am 18 years old, in college. Even though it was hard for me, I finally had the guts to go to counselling this year. I was quickly diagnosed by a doctor (as if I needed it confirmed) to have severe depression. He prescribed a heavy dose of effexor and suggested I keep on with the counselling. But I hated counselling, so I quit, and I refuse to take medication, for a lot of reasons.... and I know rejecting help is my fault, but I still wish I had somewhere else to go... I want desperately to feel good and go on with life, but I jsut can't make myself because on some level I really don't want to get better... I don't feel I deserve it. So now I am backing myself into this aweful place with nowhere to go... any thoughts? (besides suicide...)

pain1 gave this response on 5/8/2000:

Hi

"Any thoughts...except suicide??" Oh yes...... hundreds of them !!

I am a chronic depressive and have been for some time...this has come about because of an accident, at work, some 13yrs ago. I now have a spinal injury that causes chronic pain 24/7 I take all sorts of drugs, including morphine and anti-depresants..Prozac and Dopathine to name but a couple. You are right to say that the drugs are a worry but if they are used as a band aid while getting phyco help then why not. Wouldn't you put a band aid on a cut to protect it while it was healing??.

Counselling is a term that puts us all on guard. I, for one, hate telling a comlete stranger all my woes..or allowing myself to become upset as I answer all the questions I have answed a million times before.

Just last year I was sent to a pain management clinic, for lessons on how to live with my incurable pain. At the unit, which was in St Thomas' Hospital in London, (if ever you watch a news flash from London with Big Ben in the picture St Thomas'is on the opposite side of the river)..just a little bit of geography for you there....anyway at this unit, where I stayed for six long weeks, they also started to teach me how to keep on top of the depression.

It is all about the way we think. You will know we always say things like... "I am so down" "This is the worst I have ever felt" I can't stand anymore of this" "I am sick of feeling this way all the time" and so on. What these thoughts are doing is keeping us down. I have found, after the course, plus lots of time and pratice, that if I can catch myself thinking this way I try hard to have an answer for each down thought..ok this dose sound very hippy but beleive me it can help...anyway, if I say "I am feeling worse now than ever before" I stop and think "Am I really at my worst or have I been worse and come back again" Of course given the fact we are here proves we have all been then.... and come back.... so why shouldn't we get back this time??

I continue with the drugs because they allow me to live a reasonable life, despite the real bad days,..and at best they make my reasonable days really quite good. I also continue with the phyco help. I know that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain...I have been at that suicide point...all my pills there in front of me with the bottle of drink..tears running down my face from self hate. My mind was so muddled all I wanted was to stop all these feelings, and in my case, the pain. My wife caught me and it was from that point on I knew there was only up left. Now I am willing to try anything.

I accept that we are all different and that as individuals we all feel differently but why, when there is no need, do you continue to suffer so. I say no need because there are all kinds of medication to help you through the toughest spots and no matter what anyone says there is a great deal to be had from a counsellor. Once you hit the bottom you know it...you also know that anything, everthing, must be better.....and it is.

I would advise you to never say no...never make a sweeping comment like "I will not..do this or that"....never refuse any offer of help...you only need to find one thing that helps and all the back and fourth will be worth it. Make your mind up that you will try anything....everything that is on offer..if it is not helping or it becomes too upsetting then move on to another thing. Try Try and then Try some more.

I wish you luck with everything but have to say that you will find it very hard to win the battle if you kill all your own soldiers off first...by that I mean by saying no to both the drugs and the counselling....What else do you hope for???

Maybe a group therapy system may help..this way you get to talk to others in the same state as yourself...I found it very hard to start with and mainly listened but I learned a lot and, after a while, was able to join in and got quite a suprise to learn how common my feelings really were...the comfort of the support from others, all with their own problems, was better than any drug....but the drugs were the very thing that allowed me to speak out..to feel well enough to attend the meetings and happy enough to smile...even though it was just a mask...a mask I guess we all tend to use from time to time....

Please try anything offered, if only once. Never let a chance float on by just because of fear or concern about what it intails.

Good luck to you and may you find the strength you need to fight this.

Dave (UK)

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