Heat asked this question on 5/3/2000:

In case it makes any difference: I am 24, male, English Jo is 23, female, English Lisa is 18 female, English

I am still desperately in love with my ex-fiance Jo of nearly 5 years. In the final year, I was stupid enough to see another girl (Lisa) behind Jo's back until a friend of Lisa's informed Jo of what I was doing. Jo challenged me about his and I denied it. Jo trusted me implicitely and told the informer that she would want some proof of this, or to leave us alone. The informer gave Jo some photographs of Lisa and me which proved everything. Jo immediately ended the relationship. This happened nearly three years ago now and I cannot accept that Jo is gone for good and wants no further contact with me ever again. What makes it worse is that we had never argued or really even had a cross word in the 5 years, and then in just 10 minutes it was all over. I have tried everything to get her back but she will not change her mind, mainly she said because she could never trust me again. I have since been warned away (not violently) by her friends, father and new boyfriend. I find it impossible to accept that she wants nothing more to do with me and that as far as she is concerned I am history. She is the most loving and caring girl in he world, and I miss her so much. We did so much together - holidays, days out, meals, everything we did was good. I would do absolutely anything to be with her again, even just to see her from time to time would be better than this. Pain is not the word. I feel lonely, angry, depressed, betrayed, my life is nothing without her. I don't know why, but I am annoyed with Jo for not giving me another chance. I think about her often throughout the day, and often dream of her at night. Being busy helps, but my mind still drifts back to her. I am not obsessed, I am in love with the girl I want to marry and I just can't handle this much more. I would have thought that after 3 years of being apart it would be easier but it's just as bad, maybe worse, I don't know. I have talked to friends about this, I've told Jo how I feel, her father, my parents. People just say I should just try to forget about Jo and that I will meet someone else one day. How do I forget someone I love, and why would I want to meet someone else when I know the girl I love and want to marry.? I have had enough of feeling down all the time and putting up with the sad thoughts I get. I just want someone to make it all better.

CeeBee gave this response on 5/4/2000:

Hi --

I have delayed answering you because I really wanted time to think about my response. My initial answer hasn't changed and you're not going to like what I'm going to say -- I'm sure it's not what you want to hear.

My answer is not at all sympathetic, but centers around my incredulity and even anger that you could feel annoyed and angry at, and betrayed by Jo. YOU broke faith with Jo, not she with you. YOU made the choice, while engaged to one woman, to see another woman behind your fiance's back. Now three years have gone by since Jo broke with you, and you are still moaning about how Jo betrayed YOU (??) I don't get it! I don't understand how you can feel that way! And I'm wondering, since Jo broke up so quickly and cleanly with you, perhaps she had additional reasons or evidence to make this break? Are you being completely honest with yourself about the cause of the breakup?

Jo has a new boyfriend, you said. You also mentioned you have told Jo, her father, your parents and various friends how you still feel about Jo, but apparently no one supports your desire to try to get her back. Again I'm wondering if there is more to this story. And you think you are not obsessed?! Remember the good times, but allow them to be only that -- memories. Leave the girl alone! If you truly care about her, let her go!

My advice to you is to get back into life and get on with things. No one except you can make it all better -- by being with people you can have fun with and by doing things you enjoy doing. The way to stop feeling sad and preoccupied with yourself is by helping others. Volunteer at a nursing home or a school or a library or an animal shelter. You'll make new friends while at the same time you will start feeling good about yourself (and not have your entire happiness stuck on one thing).

If you have read this far, thank you for being that brave. Now, pick up the pieces of your life and be that wonderful person who will attract people and help them find happiness -- because that's how you will find happiness for yourself.

My very best wishes to you, CeeBee

CeeBee gave this follow-up answer on 5/6/2000:

Hi --

Are you very angry with me? I was hoping to hear from you again, possibly disagreeing with what I had to say.

I hope you are okay. I'm thinking of you.

CeeBee